Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Ottawa Mayor Jim Watson has abruptly stepped down as leader of the city to pursue a career on the other side of the tracks. Literally.
In a statement released by French-based train manufacturing company Alstom, who makes the light rail trains, the mayor said he is stepping down following allegations the train system was working so well it was scaring local residents.
“Frankly, I am just scared that the train is outperforming itself,” Watson said. “The LRT is so efficient, we don’t really know what to do anymore. I mean, it’s like we have no problems. Frankly, it’s concerning.”
According to the statement, the mayor’s resignation comes with immediate effect as Watson is set to start his first shift tomorrow as one of LRT’s newest drivers.
“You know, I just really think that this will be my opportunity to shine as mayor—uh, I mean, as an LRT driver for the city. This is my opportunity to give back to the community.”
Jim Watson’s rule began in 2010 having previously served as a city councillor from 1991 to 1997. It is unclear if his resume was still up-to-date—or even digitized—when he began his application for the LRT. He will see a significant decrease in salary in the new position.
”It’s not about the money, you know, I made a heck of a lot of money off this deal, so on that side of things, I’m running smoothly,” claimed the now former mayor. He did not respond to the Partisan’s question about corruption.
With the mayor’s abrupt resignation, a power vacuum remains in the halls of Ottawa City Hall as residents are set to go to the polls to vote on their next mayor on Oct. 24; in a move that will see the LRT-driven city without a conductor for months to come.
“I guess that means we’re on holiday, eh?” said one councillor. “I’m going on vacation.”
The shift in the balance of power does not come without accusation, as one source, who the Partisan agreed not to name, accused the city’s planning committee of creating problems to deal with the absence of not having any problems.
“I have evidence the planning committee purposely derailed the LRT to create the illusion of imperfection in an effort to ease the minds of residents,” said the councillor.
Alstom could not provide details as to when the mayor will start his new job but some Ottawa residents are worried.
“I am just not sure Watson has the qualifications for the job, you know, come to think about it, I’ve never even seen him ride the train before,” said local resident Imma Trane, who rides the train to and from work.
It is unclear how well the train will continue to run but for now, local residents remain confused.
Featured graphic by Sara Mizannojehdehi.
