Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes, names and events have been fabricated.
Carleton University’s student union has chosen love over democratic governance.
Every newly-elected Carleton University Students’ Association (CUSA) councillor has crossed the floor to the University of Ottawa’s student union, giving Carleton’s rival a majority student government over the city.
“We were just so inspired by the deep-rooted, passionate love between Rodney and Gee-Gee,” the councillors said in a joint statement to the Partisan.
“Ottawa is the city of Heated Rivalry, and we wanted to honour that. So, crossing the floor is our version of coming to the cottage.”
Rodney and Gee-Gee made an electrifying hard launch at the Panda Game last fall, where Carleton claimed its first Panda Game win in six years in a lopsided 127-0 victory. The mascots were seen cuddling to Coldplay’s “Yellow” on the jumbotron. Photos depicting the couple sharing candle-lit mystery meat dinners at Carleton’s cafeteria later surfaced online.
Following the mass floor-crossing, Rodney and Gee-Gee said they were unavailable for an interview because they were attending Coachella. Videos of the couple show the two holding single-use plastic cups and dancing in the desert to a performance by Ottawa-based singer Xav.
“We appreciate the support of Ottawa student politicians,” Rodney and Gee-Gee said in a joint statement to the Partisan. “We’ll continue to monitor the situation and make statements as needed.”
The uOttawa councillors wished the love bird and horse well, sending the couple a Comic Sans-written note with complimentary tickets to next year’s Panda Game, which will be held on inflatable rafts on Dow’s Lake during Lansdowne 2.0 construction.
“I swam across, I jumped across for you. Oh, what a thing to do,” the councillors wrote to the couple.
University of Ottawa student union president Marcus Carnavourus was in high spirits while speaking at a news conference after the majority win. He could barely disguise a chuckle when a reporter asked, “If you were CUSA president Peter Potluck, would you quit?”
Potluck has refused to resign from his position as CUSA president.
“The uOttawa student union did not win a majority government through a general election,” he said. “Instead, it was won through backroom deals with student politicians who betrayed the people who voted for them.”
The backroom deals in question stem from a campus foosball tournament that once tore apart Carleton’s independent student-led newspaper, the Charlatan. According to anonymous uOttawa student union members, who were not permitted to publicly speak on the matter, as many as five former CUSA councillors crossed after they were accused of rigging the foosball match.
However, sources close to Potluck say his criticism of backroom deals isn’t genuine. Instead, they suggested he has another motive for refusing to step down: a lack of a life and whimsy outside of CUSA.
“He got severed,” the source said, citing Carleton’s mental health initiative separating students’ personal minds from their academic minds on campus.
“Now, when Potluck’s on campus as his innie, his whole life revolves around CUSA. He literally does not know anything else,” the source said. “If he gives that up, he has nothing.”
The majority gives the uOttawa students union “unprecedented” power over the nation capital’s student governance, according to Carleton University American studies professor, Parsley Button.
“Something I learned while teaching my course, ‘The Pope, the President and the Power,’ is that if you want people to see you as a godly figure, you have to consolidate all the political influence in one institution and then make AI images of yourself,” she said.
Carnavourus has yet to publicly post such images and did not immediately respond to a request for comment.
With his new majority government, Carnavourous said his top priorities include restricting OC Transpo drivers from arriving on time, releasing menacing Canadian geese into the ByWard Market for crowd control and designating ShottawaTV as the capital’s official news source.
He also promised to rename the Panda Game to “The Rodney-Gee-Gee Heated Rivalry Football Coldplay Game” in honour of the star-crossed romance that has captured Ottawa students’ hearts.
“This renaming will ensure this city never forgets the lovers who unified our unions,” Carnavourous said.
“Wings and hooves up, Carleton and uOttawa.”
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