Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Inspired by his red shovel, Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced his new election strategy today: make all of his campaign materials tiny to look giant compared to other candidates.
Ford announced his new strategy outside the Legislative Assembly of Ontario while standing behind a child-sized podium.
“Ontarians need a government that shows it is powerful and capable in delivering what they want and need,” Ford said. “One of the ways the Progressive Conservatives will do this is with an illusion.”
The Ontario premier said he decided on this strategy after a video displaying him hunched over, shovelling snow with a comically small red shovel went viral.
“Yeah the shovel wasn’t all that effective but c’mon, I looked absolutely ginormous,” Ford said.
In his remarks, Ford said his team has been hard at work downsizing his office so everything is at least half the size it was before. Pens have been reduced to the size of his fingers, and his wooden office desk has been replaced by a plastic one from Fisher-Price.
Ford’s main opponents, Ontario NDP leader Andrea Horwath and Ontario Liberal Party leader Steven Del Duca did not comment publicly on the announcement, but leaked party emails that have been obtained by the Charlatan suggest their parties are forming counterstrategies.
“If Ford wants to look bigger, then we need to look taller to match,” said Horwath, who suggested raising every platform that NDP candidates stand on by five metres.
An email exchange between Del Duca and the Liberal caucus suggests the party isn’t concerned with size or height but is compensating for Ford by hiring stand-ins to cheer at campaign events, with the intention of making the party look more popular.
“Guys, I swear, we’re a legitimate party,” Del Duca said, referring to the Ontario Liberals losing official party status in 2018 after obtaining only 7 seats. “This will work. We can stop Ford and Trudeau will finally call us back.”
Ford said he will provide more details on his campaign later this year outside the Big Nickel in Sudbury, Ont., which will be downsized to just a regular nickel.
Featured image provided by Bruce Reeve.
