Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
From Loeb to Tory, Carleton’s buildings are done facing harsh criticism from students alone. Now, they come together to grieve in a support group created by Loeb Building.
Participants in the group said they suffer from low self-esteem because of their confusing and unattractive designs.
“It’s not hard to see why I’m an easy target,” Loeb said. “Mary Shelley wishes I was her Frankenstein.”
Loeb said the group helped it connect with other buildings facing similar judgment.
“I may have a ground-level exit on my third floor, but at least people don’t mistake me for Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated,” Loeb said. “Poor Dunton Tower.”
“I used to feel like I was the eyesore of campus,” Robertson Hall said through misted eyes. “I was so relieved when I met the Herzberg Laboratories and realized that things could be so much worse.”
The support group is urging the university to take more responsibility to help the buildings and the students who use them.
“By the time they find Basil Box, they may as well be directed to the Wellness Centre too,” University Centre said.
Mackenzie Building echoed these sentiments. “Students just stop coming to class because it takes them an hour to find their classroom,” they said.
Last month, the Wellness Centre told the Charlatan they started a parallel support group for students filled with frustration about campus layout.
“It took me until the second term of my third year to figure out that University Centre’s fourth floor is on the same level as Tory’s second floor,” one student said through tears. “Or…is it?”
Paterson Hall said they have not joined the support group yet, but they hope that the university will finally listen to the buildings’ concerns.
“We can’t all be sugar babies like Nicol,” Paterson said. “Some of us have a history on campus and with great history comes great responsibility. That’s what Peter Parker said, right?”
Featured graphic by Sara Mizannojehdehi.
