Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes have been fabricated.
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau confirmed speculations about a snap election this fall when he announced Tuesday that he will be leaving Parliament to head the Carleton University Students’ Association (CUSA).
While the announcement of a snap election comes as no surprise, Trudeau’s decision shocked many.
Trudeau was able to speak about this decision in an exclusive interview with the Charlatan.
“The pandemic has put a lot of stress on everybody, myself included. I never stopped shaving, my beard’s growth just accelerated. It happens when you’re under pressure,” Trudeau said. “When I heard the CUSA presidential spot was open, I knew I would be a shoo-in. Honestly, after the past year, I just needed a win.”
Trudeau’s campaign for CUSA presidency is only possible as the election bylaws were reportedly eaten by the chair of the democratic reform committee’s dog Monday. With nobody to tell him ‘no,’ the prime minister will be eligible to run for the position this fall.
“I mean, come on. I’m Justin Trudeau,” Trudeau said.
Trudeau said one of his major policy approaches would be to review ancillary fees for students, such as FundQi.
“I’m intimately familiar with FundQi,” Trudeau said. “We’ve been using it to save for Xavier’s school.”
Trudeau also said he had personal reasons for taking on the role as CUSA president.
“Really, I just want to put bylaws in place to stop their [School of Journalism and Communications] students from emailing me,” Trudeau admitted. “I don’t know how one of them found my personal email but he keeps sending me pictures of his toenail.”
Toenails should not be fused together unless one has webbed feet, according to Trudeau. The prime minister added his own toenails were pristine.
Trudeau is expected to win the CUSA by-election in September.
Featured image by Spencer Colby.
