Secret

SecretJoke Edition

Editor's Note

Amid changing COVID-19 restrictions and an odd amount of once-in-a-lifetime events, the Charlatan staff has worked tirelessly to keep the Carleton community informed.

Behind the scenes, we have cackled during unhinged ed staff meetings, posted questionable memes in our Slack channels and had sleep-deprived laughing fits while filing copy. Not only is the current Charlatan masthead a phenomenal group of journalists, but they're also part-time comedians.

Due to journalistic standards, I often have to remove the jokes that the editors try to sneak into their content. Occasionally the odd #IAmARaven comment is approved, but the average reader doesn't get to see just how funny the staff really is.

In this special joke issue of the Charlatan, readers get a glimpse of the editorial staff's humour. As EIC I have the final editorial say on content, and I say one last time to my amazing, talented and hilarious staff: that's funny.

Important News

Third-grade class represents Carleton at men’s soccer nationals

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Success in sports requires resilience. But...

BREAKING: Carleton President Benoit-Antoine Bacon steps down, Jerry Tomberlin serving interim

Earlier today, Carleton students received an email from the university announcing the departure of Carleton president Benoit-Antoine Bacon.  “After five years at Carleton, President and...

Bird poo falls on construction co-ordinator, delays Trillium Line until 3005

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. You could say sh*t genuinely hit...

Jim Watson running for mayor as Carleton loses Panda

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Ottawa mayor Jim Watson said he...

O-Train driver destroys new Rideau River bridge after trying to make LRT line shortcut

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. An LRT driver brought the new...

Role reversal: Senior’s life-saving smart home device falls and can’t get up

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. In a tragic twist of fate,...

Carleton students protest against the university’s learning lab project

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Carleton University students held a campus...

Environmental science students instantly cured of depression after groundhogs replace campus therapy dogs

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Climate change-induced depression reported in environmental...

Top 10 reasons not to read the Iron Times

The Iron Times is stupid. Don’t read it. Here’s why: Purple is their favourite colour. Engonears can’t spell. It’s a cult. ...

AI doctors by WebMD causing harm to Ottawa citizens

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Carleton student Mike Idney filed a...

‘We have feelings too’: Carleton’s building support group consoles pain from student hate

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. From Loeb to Tory, Carleton’s buildings are...

Ode to a red-eared slider

There once was a green green turtle He didn’t know how to play Wordle He made out with another And now she’s a mother “Ahh Ahh” that is...

BREAKING: Ottawa Mayor Jim Watson steps down, takes position as LRT driver

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Ottawa Mayor Jim Watson has abruptly stepped...

Doug Ford unveils election strategy of using tiny campaign materials to look bigger than opponents

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Inspired by his red shovel, Ontario Premier...

Charlatan editors vote to make paper Spanish-only publication by fall 2022

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. The Charlatan’s annual staff meeting took place...

Bird Food Reviews: Dumpster dive with Arnold

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Stowed away in the most unsuspecting of...

New CUAG exhibit draws record-breaking crowd with nude exhibit

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Often referred to as “figure painting,” a...

AD: Stuffed j-schooler, anyone?

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Perhaps I acted preemptively. Perhaps I should...

Opinion: Milk should always be poured before cereal

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Pouring your milk before your cereal is...

Opinion: Cereal should always be poured before milk

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Cereal comes first. It is what nature...

Testimonials

Do not believe them. They are a ploy and they are fake news and they will get what's coming to them, I can tell you that much.

Donald J. Trump

Former President of the United States

Every time I visit the Charlatan website, I get a warm cozy feeling of security and friendship . I always feel confident that all the news I am getting is solid and it is exclusively what inspired me to go back to school to study Journalism at Carleton.

Barack Obama

Former Former President of the United States

I really love how they hold people in power to account.

Carleton Student Governments

The (malfunctioning) Hearts of Campus