Even when Lucy, a Carleton student, gave her roommate fair warning that she was having a guy over to their residence room—and that it was a please-don’t-come-back-until-later kind of visit from said guy—her roommate would still return to their residence room, walking in on the action at it’s steamiest.
“[It] could get really awkward when I’m with someone, naked, and my roommate is staring at my bare butt,” Lucy said, who would prefer to remain anonymous. “I don’t really know what else I could have done. One time I told her that her leaving for a few extra minutes would have saved her the permanent visual of me naked,” Lucy said.
Lucy’s story isn’t unusual—Sue McGarvie, an Ottawa-based sex therapist, laughed when asked whether or not sex amongst university students is common.
“You put adults together and you’re at that point where your hormones are peaking, and you have the time availability and access. So yeah, there’s going to be a lot of sex, it’s expected,” McGarvie said. “It’s cool that some people aren’t interested, but it is the general expectation that there is a lot of sex going on in residence.”
Think American Pie, Superbad, and every other college-themed flick about finally losing your virginity, the necessity of getting laid, or the pursuit of the aforementioned “conquests”—these expectations haven’t materialized out of thin air. But that’s all those expectations usually amount to: the chase, the game, or just getting to the moment when one finally does the deed. But what happens after you finally have sex?
Darren Tse, a second-year engineering student at Carleton, said he got himself into an awkward situation after that coveted moment.
“I was once in the bathroom doing the deed with a guy and a girl—I’m bi—and the water stopped, so [what everyone] could hear was us . . . we got some weird looks afterward,” Tse said.
Often, residence life provides students with their first taste of the real freedom and privacy they need to do as they please and explore their sexuality. But, like anything fuelled by hormones and curiosity, all kinds of issues start to arise in the sexual culture of residence life.
Floorcest
For many post-secondary students, having sexual relationships while living on campus residences is just a fact of life—it is considered normal, even inevitable. However, in the first weeks of campus life, residence fellows and frosh facils alike will caution students from committing “floorcest”—the act of having a romantic and/or sexual relationship with someone who lives on the same residence floor.
So no one actually engages in “floorcestuous” relationships, right?
Kaitlyn Bennett, a first-year political science student at Carleton, said she thinks although most people believe floorcest is a bad thing, it isn’t always.
“I think it all depends on the person. If you’re the type of person that feels awkward with seeing someone all the time after a hookup then it’s not a good idea, but if you’re someone who is chill with that, then floorcest shouldn’t be an issue,” Bennett said.
Carleton student Quinn, who would prefer to remain anonymous, said she also thinks floorcest isn’t necessarily a bad thing. She said she met someone on her floor and it turned into a two-year-long relationship.
“I don’t know how we never got caught in the TV lounge when we lived on residence . . . One time I told my friend we were going to be having sex in the study room, and everyone laughed without realizing I wasn’t joking. We had sex in there every Thursday night. Looking back on it I laugh . . . it was a funny situation,” Quinn said.
While there is no formal policy or rule about floorcest outlined in Carleton’s residence standards agreement, engaging with people on one’s residence floor romantically and/or sexually is generally discouraged because if things end—for better or for worse—you have to live in close proximity to that person for the rest of the school year.
Experimentation
McGarvie said it is normal for students to experiment at this time in their lives. She said experimentation is important to developing one’s understanding of sex, which in turn helps people be able to have safe and pleasurable sexual relationships.
“I think you have a lot of people who are experimenting in university and to me this is the time you’re supposed to do that,” McGarvie said.
Sara Cull, a first-year art history student at Carleton, said she
has become more comfortable with sex due to how normal it is on residence.
“At first, sex was just a thing I saw basically everywhere, but now sex is much more than that. It’s a part of my life now, not in a scary way or in the way porn shows sex, but in a really awesome, sensual way,” Cull said.
Quinn said she agrees the freedom to have sex on residence has benefited her.
“I finally learned how to have really good sex, and not just mimic pornos where the girl climaxes just because the guy is there. That is so far from real life, and I can’t believe I ever believed that was sex. I used to just lay there and try to act sexy, but that just made me seem like a star fish while he acted like a flopping fish,” Quinn said.
For some, the freedom residence life allows to explore one’s sexuality has taught them about themselves.
“I discovered my attraction to men in addition to females. It’s great here. Lots of people are willing to try new things,” Tse said.
Not everyone is doing it
According to Statistics Canada, on average, 43 per cent of teenagers have sex for the first time when they are between the ages of 15 and 19. This suggests that roughly half of students who begin university are virgins, contrary perhaps to ideas in popular culture.
“[I’m] still a virgin, and living on res did not change my views about [sex] or make me want to have sex because I had more freedom,” said Carleton student Demi, who would prefer to remain anonymous.
“One thing that really surprised me was [that] in the first conversations I had with new friends, they always included asking how far or what you have done. It was something that never really came up in high school, and was weird to hear or talk about with people I had just met,” Demi said.
According to Statistics Canada, about half of young men aged 15 to 19 abstained from sex in 2014.
“I am a virgin, not because I don’t like girls, but because I think sex is a sacred thing. It’s intrusive and it can be harmful,” said Ryan, a Carleton student who would prefer to remain anonymous.
“It can feel good momentarily but who knows, maybe it ends in pregnancy. Maybe it ends in an STI, or hurt feelings,” Ryan said. “I don’t tell people I am a virgin because it makes me seem out of the loop and uncool. What I do with my penis doesn’t make me cool or not. I keep it secret because no one but me needs to talk about my own views about sex, and if someone loves me they will wait.”
McGarvie said whether someone abstains from sex for religious, health, or moral reasons, it is a perfectly normal and valid choice. She said sex can have serious physical and emotional consequences for students (or anyone), and it is best to wait until you feel “ready”—whatever that word may mean for you.
“You aren’t ready for sex if you aren’t able to have sex with the lights on and your eyes open. You’re not ready for sex if you don’t have your own back-up birth control . . . because that is really important,” McGarvie said. “If you need to be drunk and in the dark to have sex, then you aren’t ready.”
Safer sex is better sex
According to a study done by Trojan and the Sex Information and Education Council of Canada in 2014, 23 per cent of Canadian university students are abstaining from having sex, while out of the 72 per cent who are sexually active, only 51 per cent of them use condoms or contraceptives every time they engage in sexual acts.
“No pregnancy scares, but I’ve broken four condoms since I’ve been on res and have had condom-less sex twice. Both times we ran out of condoms and just said [whatever],” said Carleton student Michael, who would prefer to remain anonymous.
According to the Public Health Agency of Canada, the rates of chlamydia and gonorrhea have increased over the past decade. Eighty per cent of cases were diagnosed in Canadians aged 15 to 29 years old.
McGarvie said sexually transmitted diseases are more likely to be contracted when students are drunk because they are less likely to have safe sex.
Carleton students can get free condoms and other protection on campus at the Gender and Sexuality Resource Centre, the Carleton University Students’ Association office, as well as the Womyn’s Centre, who also offer free pregnancy tests. Free condoms are available in examination rooms at Carleton’s Health and Counselling Services office, where students can also talk to doctors about and get a prescription for birth control, get Pap smears, and access a range of other sexual health services.
“It’s a sexualized culture, and everyone thinks that there’s a problem if they aren’t there yet . . . but when you’re drunk you aren’t asking the right questions, you’re just doing it, which can result badly,” McGarvie said.
Clear boundaries and open discussions are necessary for healthy romantic and sexual relationships for everyone, McGarvie said.
“You have to be comfortable enough with another person to tell them what you want and communicate properly. You have to be ready to have safe sex and able to go buy your own condoms or go ask health services for some,” McGarvie said. “If you’re struggling with sex then get some help. There are great people in the counselling department who are able to help.”
