Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
The Charlatan’s annual staff meeting took place on Friday, April 1. The editorial staff used to meet on a weekly basis, but editor-in-chief Gilligan Pfeiffer ruled last year that “one meeting is more than enough.”
And most section editors agreed.
“Hey, if I’m doing the absolute bare minimum and getting paid, I’m happy,” said national editor Ben Dover. “After all, we’re just a student paper. Who’s reading this shit anyway?”
The editors discussed a lot of different topics during the meeting, but only few actually had to do with the Charlatan. There was a lot of discussion about turtles and when asked about the relevance, one of the editors whose Zoom name was labelled “#IAmARaven,” unmuted and yelled “Mind your business buddy!”
The atmosphere of the meeting was tense and awkward, especially with Dover constantly using the “Raise hand function” in Zoom while everyone else was just unmuting and speaking freely. Pfeiffer rolled her eyes and threatened to fire him every time this happened.
But by far the most shocking was the editorial staff’s rogue decision to make the paper a Spanish-only publication by the fall 2022 semester.
The features editor, who legally changed her name to Christiano Ronaldo based on the editorial vote, was most excited about this decision.
“He estado estudiando español en Carleton durante cuatro años y aunque todavía necesito usar el traductor de Google, creo que esta es una gran decisión,” Ronaldo said.
Pfeiffer said that Ronaldo has only been speaking Spanish for the past two months and the other editors have no idea what she’s been saying.
“Spanish is a cool language though and it seems like she knows what she’s doing,” she said. “I don’t think anyone is really reading our content anyway, so switching the language shouldn’t be that big of a deal.”
And though decisions like this are usually addressed at the Charlatan’s annual general meeting with board members and other eligible voters, Pfeiffer said “she couldn’t care less.”
“I run this place and if people want to write for us, I suggest they sign up for some Spanish classes.”
Featured graphic by Señorita Sara.
