Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Perhaps I acted preemptively. Perhaps I should have waited for the warmer spring weather. Perhaps, for a second straight year, I overestimated Carleton’s wild groundhog population.
Alas, I will go home empty-handed again. Not a single critter caught in one of the many traps I set up in front of the Richcraft Building. It proved not to be the rodent hot-spot I once believed it to be.
On a separate, absolutely unrelated note, would anyone like to purchase a life-size, freshly-taxidermied journalism student?
The stuffed model is fully lifelike, complete with a wool toque, Blundstones™ and a zebra-patterned S’well™ water bottle. For an additional fee of $4.20, you will receive a heavily-stickered laptop and a copy of the Canadian Press style guide—both essential aspects of the creature’s ecosystem.
Model is ideal for filling out crowds at events or being set up for hours on end at your coffee shop (don’t worry, it won’t look out of place).
Please send your inquiries directly to groundhoggrabber69@hotmail.com. Serious inquiries only.
Featured image by Tim Austen.
