Sometimes it seems like the only time people talk about women’s sex lives is in the context of sexual assault.
It’s not like that for men. Men’s sex lives are the basis of everyday jokes, and the motivation for television plots. They’re the reason for Barney’s playbook, for Joey’s signature “How you doing?” and for so many songs we hear on the radio. But when society talks about women having sex, it’s usually about the sex they don’t want to have.
Post-secondary institutions have put more effort than ever towards informing students about gaining consent. Since my time at university, there’s been ample examples of sexual assault on Canadian campuses. With the exposure of frosh week rape chants at the University of British Columbia and St. Mary’s University, Carleton’s own Fuck Safe Space t-shirts, members of the University of Ottawa’s hockey team facing allegations of sexual assault, and the Dalhousie dentistry school’s misogynistic Facebook page, it’s no wonder this conversation has become a priority.
It’s important that schools have resources in place for those who are sexually assaulted and take a stand to say any sort of sexual violence is not okay. Following the Jian Ghomeshi scandal and the Twitter hashtag #beenrapedneverreported, Canadians learned nearly 90 per cent of sexual assault cases go without being reported. But part of creating an environment where women feel comfortable reporting sexual assault means ensuring women are able to embrace, celebrate, and discuss their sex lives just as much as men are.
Many would argue that’s already the case. Miley Cyrus appears nearly naked at every award show she goes to. Cosmopolitan shouts orgasm tricks from grocery store racks. Kim Kardashian shot to stardom following a sex tape. But there is a difference between women embracing their sexuality, and women being sexualized.
It is still taboo to talk about female masturbation. Women with a high “kill” count remain quietly disapproved of. Oral sex for males is referenced so commonly it’s allowed on TV, but mentioning it for females warrants an R rating for movies. Those women who do discuss their sexuality openly, like Amy Schumer or Lena Dunham, are labelled vulgar both by those who approve of their humour and those who do not.
Lectures on consent are important and sexual assault awareness weeks do raise awareness. But university is a time when so many young people begin to explore their sexual preferences for the first time. If institutions want to create atmospheres where students feel comfortable saying “no” and reporting assault, we also need to open up discussions on sex positions, dildos, role playing and all sorts of other things that I feel a bit awkward even writing.
After all, if women are not encouraged to talk about positive sexual experiences, why would we ever want to talk about a negative one?
