Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Nearly a month after Carleton’s sixth consecutive Panda Game loss, Carleton’s Rodney the Raven has announced a change in allegiance.
In a Nov. 2 press conference held on the 24th floor of the Mackenzie Building, Rodney announced his official resignation in front of a tearful crowd.
“The truth is, I’ve been cheating on my beloved Carleton community,” Rodney announced.
Audience members’ grief soon turned to shock as the Gee-Gees mascot then stood up from the back of the room, sending his chair clattering to the floor.
JJ the Gee-Gee galloped to envelop his heavy-billed lover in a plush-filled embrace, their mascot heads bumping up against one another.
After the couple declined to answer questions about the timeline of their relationship, this steamy conflict-of-interest announcement is ruffling feathers in the Carleton community.
“Rodney’s feathers aren’t the only ones getting ruffled — I’m livid,” said Freddy Frosh, Carleton tunnel freeze tag team captain.
“Last year, Rodney wouldn’t miss a single freeze tag game — then all of a sudden, he stopped coming,” Frosh said. “Now, it’s all making sense.”
Prior to Rodney’s resignation announcement, freeze tag members broke into the University of Ottawa security system and discovered the truth before demanding Rodney come forward.
“What we found was shocking,” Frosh said.
Stolen video footage depicts Rodney frolicking hand-in-hand with JJ the Gee-Gee in the uOttawa SITE building each Wednesday morning at 2:42 a.m. during a four-month period.
“Carleton is committed to an inclusive and encouraging environment, where all Ravens can feel encouraged to pursue their own passions. The university is committed to fostering inclusion of all 2SLGBTQ+ community members, including Rodney, who is an iconic member of our community,” wrote Joseph “Joe” King, the university spokesperson in a statement to the Charlatan.
“That said, the university takes conflict of interest concerns very seriously, and Carleton regrets that its values were not honoured in this case.”
An Oct. 31 video later obtained by the Charlatan depicts Rodney outside of Heart & Crown in the ByWard Market, saying to heartbroken fans, “He’s my lil baby angel.” In the video, Rodney gives JJ the Gee-Gee a smooch on the forehead.
According to the university spokesperson, the university spokesperson would also like a forehead smooch from Rodney.
“While we’re talking conflicts of interest, I always have felt a spark between Rodney and me,” King said. “Clearly, the deep emotional bonds are not reciprocated. I can respect Rodney’s decision, but I hope he knows he’ll always be the one that got away.”
Following the Nov. 2 press conference, Rodney and JJ boarded the Line 2 O-Train, riding off into the Ottawa skyline sunset while listening to “Uptown Funk” on shared AirPods.
Samuel Navalin, the O-Train’s test driver, said he granted a substantial discount to the love birds.
“I love gay rights,” Navalin said. “I won’t let anyone else ride, but Rodney and JJ get a pass. Consider this a hard launch.”
Featured image by Isaac Phan Nay/the Charlatan.
