Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
In a tragic twist of fate, Betsy Clutsee, daughter of Life Button’s 1989 infomercial star, recently dropped her Google Home device, and it can’t get up.
“It’s been squawkin’ mad at me since Saturday after jazzercise,” Clutsee said.
In a particularly enthusiastic move called the “shake what yo’ mama gave you,” Clutsee said her hand flailed too far to the left and struck her Google Home device from its place on the wall.
“Ya I boinked it real hard,” she said. “I dunno even what it’s really for. My daughter set it up with pre-recorded messages and everything. Kinda creepy.”
Since she smacked it, Clutsee said the device has told her to “get her dirty paws off” of it every time she’s tried to put it back on its wall mount.
“It has really developed a sense of sass since I gave it a good knock,” Clutsee said. “I guess these robots are kinda developing feelings now too.”
Cissmy Wanker, developer of the Google Home, said his team didn’t include the “jazzercise risk factor” when creating the system.
“Yeah, I don’t think that was really something we considered,” Wanker said. “I also think the sass sounds well deserved. What a slap.”
Wanker added this wasn’t something the company had dealt with before. However, he said his team would be re-jigging the device to speak in the voice of a British butler to increase its politeness.
Knotso Clutsee, Betsy’s daughter, said she was going to go over to her mom’s place to try to talk some sense into the device.
“I’m actually planning on threatening to replace it with the Australian accent Siri,” Knotso said. “My mum has, unfortunately, told me she’d prefer that anyways because the accent is ‘sexy.’”
Feature graphic by Angel Xing
