Secret

SecretJoke Edition

Editor's Note

Amid changing COVID-19 restrictions and an odd amount of once-in-a-lifetime events, the Charlatan staff has worked tirelessly to keep the Carleton community informed.

Behind the scenes, we have cackled during unhinged ed staff meetings, posted questionable memes in our Slack channels and had sleep-deprived laughing fits while filing copy. Not only is the current Charlatan masthead a phenomenal group of journalists, but they're also part-time comedians.

Due to journalistic standards, I often have to remove the jokes that the editors try to sneak into their content. Occasionally the odd #IAmARaven comment is approved, but the average reader doesn't get to see just how funny the staff really is.

In this special joke issue of the Charlatan, readers get a glimpse of the editorial staff's humour. As EIC I have the final editorial say on content, and I say one last time to my amazing, talented and hilarious staff: that's funny.

Important News

‘Screw the deficit’: Carleton to spend $100 billion to make Comic Sans official university font

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Despite an increasing deficit, Carleton University...

Political science student loses half of personality following election

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. David Ferguson, a third-year political science...

Carleton brings Klingon course back for second year

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Carleton University’s School of Linguistics and...

BREAKING: ‘That crown was made for me’: The Charlatan to disband over foosball infighting

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. After nearly 80 years of hard-hitting...

Rodney the Raven resigns following steamy conflict-of-interest controversy

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Nearly a month after Carleton’s sixth...

‘This is mine’: Meet the O-Train Line 2 operator who won’t let anybody ride

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. OC Transpo’s O-Train Line 2 has...

‘We want to flip cars too’: Ottawa police join in on post-Panda destruction

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Pandemonium ensued following the 55th annual...

Third-grade class represents Carleton at men’s soccer nationals

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Success in sports requires resilience. But...

Bird poo falls on construction co-ordinator, delays Trillium Line until 3005

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. You could say sh*t genuinely hit...

Jim Watson running for mayor as Carleton loses Panda

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Ottawa mayor Jim Watson said he...

O-Train driver destroys new Rideau River bridge after trying to make LRT line shortcut

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. An LRT driver brought the new...

Role reversal: Senior’s life-saving smart home device falls and can’t get up

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. In a tragic twist of fate,...

Carleton students protest against the university’s learning lab project

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Carleton University students held a campus...

Environmental science students instantly cured of depression after groundhogs replace campus therapy dogs

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Climate change-induced depression reported in environmental...

Top 10 reasons not to read the Iron Times

The Iron Times is stupid. Don’t read it. Here’s why: Purple is their favourite colour. Engonears can’t spell. It’s a cult. ...

AI doctors by WebMD causing harm to Ottawa citizens

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Carleton student Mike Idney filed a...

‘We have feelings too’: Carleton’s building support group consoles pain from student hate

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. From Loeb to Tory, Carleton’s buildings are...

Ode to a red-eared slider

There once was a green green turtle He didn’t know how to play Wordle He made out with another And now she’s a mother “Ahh Ahh” that is...

BREAKING: Ottawa Mayor Jim Watson steps down, takes position as LRT driver

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Ottawa Mayor Jim Watson has abruptly stepped...

Doug Ford unveils election strategy of using tiny campaign materials to look bigger than opponents

Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated. Inspired by his red shovel, Ontario Premier...

Testimonials

Do not believe them. They are a ploy and they are fake news and they will get what's coming to them, I can tell you that much.

Donald J. Trump

Former President of the United States

Every time I visit the Charlatan website, I get a warm cozy feeling of security and friendship . I always feel confident that all the news I am getting is solid and it is exclusively what inspired me to go back to school to study Journalism at Carleton.

Barack Obama

Former Former President of the United States

I really love how they hold people in power to account.

Carleton Student Governments

The (malfunctioning) Hearts of Campus