Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes have been fabricated.
As Ontario eases COVID-19 restrictions, things are different than when the pandemic began in March 2020.
But for Carleton University students, the end of the pandemic will be greeted in a familiar fashion: with a loss at the annual Panda Game.
“I’m just super excited to have my heart broken all over again,” said Jacob Dennis, a fifth-year biology student at Carleton. “The heartache of losing live sporting events is something that’s been missing in my life for years.”
Carleton has lost the past two annual match-ups between the Ravens and University of Ottawa Gee-Gees football teams. In 2018, Ottawa won 38-27 and 32-10 in 2019.
Carleton has lost 34 of 51 Panda Games, including an embarrassing 44-0 loss in 1957.
Ahead of this year’s game, which is scheduled to take place Oct. 2, Carleton Athletics is already promoting the event as a “chance to watch the football team cry” and “way to ruin your day.”
“Let’s face it—we don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning this game,” an Athletics representative wrote in an email. “We wanted to embrace the proud losing tradition of Carleton football this year and market the Panda Game as more of an emotional experience than sporting event.”
Jennifer Scott, a fourth-year neuroscience student at Carleton, said attending Panda Games is akin to watching Marriage Story on Netflix.
“It’s just something you do to feel something,” Scott said. “You’ll walk out feeling way worse than you did before, but at least you know you’re alive. It’s kinda like stubbing your toe. Would we be human without that simple pain?”
Michael Jacobs, a second-year political science student, expressed skepticism that anyone actually paid attention to the final score.
“Wait, the Panda Game is about football?” Jacobs said. “I guess I’ve always been too plastered to realize there’s a game going on.”
Jacobs said he’s always thought of the Panda Game as more of a challenge than sporting event.
“I always thought it was something like, ‘Oh, you puke before noon, you win the Panda Game,’” Jacobs said. “Now you’re telling me they actually play football?”
Ravens have until Oct. 2 to mentally prepare for their team’s failure.
Featured image from file.
