Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes have been fabricated.
A local Ottawa man has launched a petition for Carleton Athletics to host a “Men in Sport” event after an event celebrating women in sport took place at the school last week.
Hugh Nolyphe, 69, said he graduated from Carleton in 1976 and is disappointed in the development of women’s sports at the university. He said he started the petition to increase recognition for the achievements of male athletes.
“I attended the Women in Sport event, and I have to say, I came away shocked,” Nolyphe said. “If we’re serious about equal opportunity, it’s time for our male athletes to get some recognition too.”
He added that his passion for men’s rights was sparked by seeing women succeed.
“I didn’t realize how many problems men had until I saw women complaining about theirs,” Nolyphe said. “Once I saw that people were supporting women, I just had to jump on the chance to redirect it towards men. It’s not fair that these women want all the attention.”
The petition claims, without evidence, that Carleton Athletics “never gives men’s sports any attention.” It requests that the university host an annual “Men in Sports” event and create a scholarship to be given to “oppressed” male athletes who have been subject to “discrimination their whole lives.”
“Even if men’s sports did get equal attention, I would still complain,” Nolyphe said. “They still aren’t recognizing how hard it is to be a white dude in today’s society.”
The petition currently has four signatures, all of which appear to be Nolyphe using different emails. One signature, under the username “I Swear I’m Not A Misogynist,” was listed with the same email used by the Charlatan to reach Nolyphe for comment.
When pressed on the revelation, Nolyphe said he would never fake support for his petition.
“This movement—which I like to call a move-men—is really a groundswell of support,” Nolyphe said. “There are millions of people out there who agree with me, I’m sure. It just so happens that Big Tech like change.org is censoring me because of its communist agenda.”
While all signatures on the petition appear to belong to Nolyphe, first-year Sprott student Frank Misaugenaust said he supports the petition and will sue the university for discrimination if the event doesn’t happen.
“Don’t even come at me bro,” Misaugenaust said. “You don’t even know how rich my dad is, dude. He would sue the university into oblivion and we’d still be able to vacation at our summer home in Santorini for the rest of our lives.”
The Charlatan contacted Carleton Athletics for comment and received the following email response: “Come on, this has to be a prank. Some idiot really did this? I’m not even going to provide comment.”
Featured image by Tim Austen.
