Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
With celebrity lookalike contests popping up in cities across the world, Carleton University joined in on the fun by hosting a contest for rap star Jack Harlow.
Eleven curly-haired redheads lined up to awe the crowd with their rapping impressions of the celebrity on Dec. 7. The competition crowned the best lookalike through an intense elimination process, with the contestant with the loudest crowd cheers taking home the trophy.
Despite an amicable start and a halftime group therapy session to promote sportsmanship, the contest turned ugly with fights breaking out among contestants.
The reason: accusations of stealing hair products to get ahead in the competition.
Runner-up Jake Sparrow accused winner Mable Jackson of stealing his hair products in the locker room.
“This competition is completely rigged,” Sparrow said. “I was never going to win. He stole my curl cream so that I would lose this competition. Now my one goal in life is ruined.”
Sparrow also claims Jackson doesn’t even have curly hair and should forfeit the trophy.
“It’s all fake, he gets a perm!” Sparrow said.
Jackson, however, denied the accusation, saying he would “never stoop so low just to win.”
“I don’t get perms, I don’t use curl cream, this is all natural, baby,” Jackson said. “I just wake up and my hair looks this good every day. Absolutely perfect, just like Jack’s.”
The Charlatan reached out to Harlow to ask what curl cream he uses, but did not receive a response in time for publication.
However, a spokesperson close to the rapper wrote in an email that Harlow doesn’t even have hair—it’s all a wig.
Sparrow further alleged that Jackson often uses unsavoury tactics to win lookalike contests, claiming his competitor is notorious for unplugging and stealing curling irons in the locker room.
In a follow-up email comment, Jackson said he has never stolen anything in his life, “not even from Walmart.”
He also said he has “never stolen Sparrow’s curl cream from his blue Superman pouch inside his backpack,” in an oddly specific remark.
When asked how he knew Sparrow kept his hair products inside a Superman pouch, Jackson said he was just guessing, as Sparrow “doesn’t seem like a Spider-Man kinda guy.”
In a follow-up email comment, Sparrow said he likes Superman and Spider-Man equally.
“Not only is it rude to assume that I like Superman more, but who’s favourite superhero is Spider-Man? That guy has no curls,” Sparrow said.
“You know what, I bet his favourite superhero is Spider-Man, that conniving snake.”
Featured image by Zachary Novack.
