Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
The Partisan has launched an ongoing investigation into Dodgeball 4, the Charlatan’s intramural dodgeball team.
Week after week, the team has left battered opponents in their wake. This has prompted intense questioning from the Carleton University community about the squad’s morality, the legitimacy of their strength and the history of some of their key players.
Arguably the most dangerous asset to Dodgeball 4 is its unassuming sniper, Malexa Ackie. To the public and the media, Ackie portrays a sweet and thoughtful demeanour, leading to other teams not thinking twice when she steps on the court. In her season debut, she earned MVP honours after whistling an absolute bullet to eliminate a helpless opponent.
During the incident in question, Ackie launched a spinning dagger toward an opposing player, who the Partisan will refer to as Cam because he fears repercussions. When Cam tried to catch the ball, Ackie’s spin-shot squeaked right out from his grasp, eliminating him from the game and causing irreparable damage.
“She broke all my fingers,” Cam said. “I can’t even type anymore — my academic career is ruined.”
One would think Ackie’s empathetic on-court reaction meant that she didn’t intend to eliminate or injure Cam, but Ackie knows exactly what she’s doing, sources told the Partisan.
Ackie refused to comment after the game but was seen wolfing down five bags of strawberry candies.
It is unclear whether the excessive consumption of strawberry candies is legal in the dodgeball league. The Partisan reached out to multiple legal experts for comment but did not receive a response in time for publication.
Ackie and Dodgeball 4 captain Cavid Dummings are adamant she is simply an Ottawa local proud to play in front of her home crowd. But the Partisan’s investigation traced her roots back to a notorious prison in an ancient part of the world known only as “The Pit.”
“Malexa Ackie was my inspiration for Bane,” Dark Knight Rises director Christopher Nolan told the Partisan. “She even inspired the ‘You merely adopted the dark, I was born in it’ line that Bane famously says in the second of my Batman movies.
“She uttered that line to me word-for-word after roundhouse-kicking my infant daughter in the face a few years back. Yeah, I wouldn’t let her on a dodgeball court.”
But even beyond a hardened criminal and agent of chaos on their roster, the Partisan uncovered indisputable evidence that the Charlatan is using illegal means to reach new and dangerous levels of strength.
Captain Dummings is also currently under investigation by the league for three separate instances of “head-hunting,” according to documents and emails obtained by the Partisan.
In one altercation, Dummings allegedly shattered an opponent’s pair of glasses with a near-lethal missile to the face. In the team’s most recent 3-1 victory, Dummings even “nearly lobotomized” teammate Mianca BcKeown.
“I’m not trying to hit people in the head, I really don’t mean to do it,” Dummings claimed after the team’s lopsided victory. “I think there’s a draft in this gym, like, it’s drafty in here.
“Perhaps a gust lifted the ball toward Mianca’s noggin.”
But all this only adds to the risk of enhanced strength, as these are the last people who should be granted access to performance-enhancing therapies.
While the team’s blood tests found no signs of illegal doping, the test did indicate traces of “beef tube” within the veins of the Charlatan’s dodgeball squad. Beef tube, a product imported from Walmart, is dangerously high in protein and has been shown to rapidly increase strength and vein size.
“We’re just dieting really well, and beef tubes are totally legal in league competition, so we will continue eating them,” Dummings said. “Each of our players eat around four to six daily, always microwaved until totally grey.”
The effect of the beef tube diet shows — very few of the players on Dodgeball 4 can easily fit through a door frame. The size does not help them dodge on the court, but it does allow them to send opponents to the hospital or even an early grave.
Stay tuned for the next update in the Partisan’s investigation.
Featured image by Alexa MacKie.
