From a young age, children are taught to understand that “no means no” – no to that chocolate bar they desperately want, no to jumping on the couch, no to staying up late past their bedtimes. But what happens when someone doesn’t say no or is incapable of saying no? Does that mean yes?
It is essential to understand how “no means no” applies when it comes to sex, to know when you have obtained consent, and most importantly, when you have not obtained consent.
When someone says no, it means that he or she is not consenting. But what if the person consented and then lost consciousness? Or what if the person initially said yes but then changed their mind?
According to the Women’s Legal Education and Action Fund (LEAF), there is no consent when:
“Someone says or does something to show that they are not agreeing to continue an activity that has already started” or when “Someone is incapable of consenting to the activity; because, for example, they are unconscious.”
How do you know if you have obtained consent?
Just because someone did not say no does not mean they are consenting, according to LEAF, if someone cannot respond then you cannot know for sure whether or not the person wants you to stop.
“[A] person cannot say they mistakenly believed a person was consenting if that belief is based on their own intoxication,” LEAF adds on their website.
In other words, you are responsible for your own actions regardless of whether or not you are intoxicated. In addition, LEAF mentions that “A person cannot say they mistakenly believed a person was consenting if they didn’t take proper steps to check if there was consent.”
So, what is the best way to know for sure that you have the other person’s consent? Simply ask. Ask if the person is okay with what you are doing. Asking is never a bad thing. It’s better to be safe than sorry.
Defining Consent
Joanna Zebib, a second-year psychology student at Carleton said she believes “[C]onsent is when two people mutually agree on doing an activity, whether it’s sexual or not. Unless both parties give consent, one of them is being taken advantage of or being assaulted.”
This follows closely with what most policies would define as consent.
Carleton’s Sexual Assault policy states that “[c]onsent is an enthusiastic, voluntary agreement to engage in sexual activity. Consent is ongoing. Consent cannot be implied based on previous history. A person may have consented on a previous occasion, but this does not obligate them to consent in the future. Therefore, it is required even in long-term relationships”.
This means that not only do strangers need consent, but also those in a relationship. Even though the people in the relationship may know each other well, consent is still mandatory.
“Most people focus on stranger danger and do not understand that most perpetrators, whether their target is underage or an adult, are immediate family members, relatives, acquaintances and/or people who have authority over them.” says Carol Dauda, a political science professor at the University of Guelph.
According to Dauda, if the perpetrator has authority over the victim, then the victim may seem less credible. The same thing applies if the perpetrator is in good standing and the victim is not.
It is written in Carleton’s Sexual Assault Policy that “[c]onsent is ALWAYS required. Without consent, sexual activity becomes sexual assault.”
How can consent be promoted on campuses?
Universities in Canada are doing many different things to promote consent. Last year, Carleton promoted sexual consent at Frosh in a variety of different ways. For instance, participants and volunteers were asked to wear “consent” bracelets as their entry to events and activities.
The Orientation Coordinators, Tania Gomes and Jeremy Brzozowski, said they will continue working with Equity Services to ensure that every student feels welcomed, included, comfortable, and knowledgeable about Carleton’s resources upon their arrival in September.
“All orientation participants . . . will receive branded access bracelets which provide contact information for Carleton Sexual Assault Support Center along with a URL with more information about CONSENT,” a statement from Carleton’s Student Experience Office said. “The intention is that students will continue to wear this information which creates awareness and positive dialogue about a very important topic beyond Fall Orientation.”
The SEO also stated that “Fall orientation student and professional staff will be trained on bystander intervention” and “extensive, scenario training by Carleton’s Sexual Assault Support Centre staff and volunteers” in order to add an extra layer of support to the events.
Carleton hasn’t been the only university promoting consent. The University of Ottawa has been pushing strongly with consent and teaching staff and students its meaning by implementing training programs into Frosh week as well.
“We want to get away from consent is sexy and move towards consent is mandatory,” said Vanessa Dorimain, vice-president (university affairs) at the University of Ottawa.
As simple as a cup of tea
With all this in mind, how do we know when someone is consenting? According to a youtube video by Blue Seat Studios, it’s as simple as making a cup of tea. The narrator of the video replaced the word “sex” with the word “tea” to explain consent.
“If you can understand how completely ludicrous it is to force people to have tea when they don’t want tea, and you’re able to understand when people don’t want tea, then how hard is it to understand it when it comes to sex? Whether it’s tea or sex, consent is everything,” explained the narrator of the video.
