Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes have been fabricated.
While the majority of the Carleton student population rejoiced at the passing of the Carleton Academic Student Government’s (CASG) proposed grading reform, others aren’t so thrilled at the idea of students getting the support they need.
According to the Senate motion that approved the reform, all failed courses will automatically convert to an unsatisfactory credit, except for courses failed due to disciplinary reasons such as academic integrity offences.
Christopher Komplanison, a seventh-year undeclared arts student at Carleton, said he believes the university’s decision to reintroduce compassionate grading this year as a result of the pandemic is “unfair to those of us who actually work hard.”
“Look, I take three courses a semester, and I put a lot of effort into those courses to make sure I don’t get caught cheat—I mean, to make sure I pass them,” he said, wiping his Mountain-Dew-mixed-with-Cheeto-dust moustache with the back of his hand.
“The fact that some people are gonna have the same CGPA as me just because the university thinks the pandemic is like, actually making it difficult for people to pass their classes is ridiculously unfair.”
In an effort to bring attention to this “very important issue that a lot of people care about,” Komplanison started a petition entitled “Get Carleton to Start Failing Snowflakes Again” on Change.org.
So far, it has garnered 12 signatures, two of which are from signees with his last name.
“I mean, it hasn’t totally taken off yet,” he said. “But I’m definitely expecting it to, once the sheeple wake up, you know.”
Alexandra Prevelej, a second-year Carleton student who signed the petition, said reversing the grading reform is something she cares passionately about.
“We’re all in the same boat here,” she said, speaking to the Partisan on a Zoom call from her bedroom at her parents’ house in Rosedale, Toronto. “We’re all going through COVID-19 the same way, so the fact that the school really thinks we need this is insulting.”
She takes a moment to wipe off the screen of the MacBook Pro her parents purchased her as a gift for managing to finish first year without getting arrested for underage drinking.
“If you failed or did badly in a class, then that’s entirely your fault,” she continued. “You just need to work harder, like the rest of us do.”
In response to the petition, CASG vice-president (finance) Bierce Purch literally didn’t even know what to say.
“I—what?” he said. “Why would people get angry over what other people’s GPAs are? Since when does that affect them?”
“That’s like saying if I give someone a slice of cake for free that you had purchased yourself, that somehow means the cake you’re about to eat is going to be less satisfying. What kind of person thinks like that?”
Judging by the multiple negative Rate My Prof reviews Komplanison has written, signed and posted within the past two semesters, he is currently on academic probation. When asked whether he would personally be making use of the grade reform this year, he told the Partisan to “fuck right off.”
“Look, if I end up using it, it’s because I really need it, OK? I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately—my mom stopped doing my laundry, and I just got rejected from being a Discord mod for this server I’ve been dedicated to for a few years, so it’s been really tough,” he said.
“But most of the people who are gonna end up using this are people who don’t deserve it, and that’s what needs to change.”
Featured image from file.
