Hey Ravens! I’m Danielle Fearnley, an undergraduate student in English literature with a minor in art history. I help run the Poetics Society on campus and am a lifelong lover of the arts! I love to write poetry, fiction and stage plays.
For the past six years, I’ve worked with Venus Envy Ottawa as a sex educator, where I facilitate workshops on all things sexuality! I also run a writers’ circle twice a month there and write a sex advice column that you can find on venusenvy.ca. Follow me on Instagram @howdeepisyourdanielle and feel free to send any other relationship questions you have!
I’m so happy to be guest-writing this column for the Charlatan this month!
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“Is it worth risking friendships for a romance?”
What a perennial question!
I suppose it depends on two things:
- How much does this friendship mean to you? Could you bear losing this person if things didn’t work out romantically and the connection between you two soured?
- How romantically interested are you in this person? Do you see yourself in a serious, committed, long-term relationship with them? Do you see a future with them or are you feeling more of a sexual/physical attraction or a bit of a strong crush? Be honest with yourself.
A “serious” relationship looks like different things to different people — are you both on the same page about what a “serious” relationship means? In other words, do you both share a solid foundation for a romantic relationship, such as shared values, lifestyle compatibility and matched maturity levels?
Although these things can change as you mature, you’ll have an idea about where your friend stands on these points if you have a deep understanding of each other. Knowing each other on that level is already a great foundation for any kind of relationship.
Ultimately, I think the risk is worth it if you have sincere affection for this person and your romantic feelings for them are impossible to ignore. Some of the most lasting, loving relationships are built on the bedrock of a genuine friendship. If this is the case, it’s best not to try to repress your feelings (it doesn’t really work anyway) and to be open with your friend even if you’re unsure where they’re at, as frightening as that may be. It can be devastating to be friends with someone who harbours secret affection for you and it’s often dishonesty that ends up ruining friendships. If your friend doesn’t feel the same way, that actually might be just what you need to hear to break the spell and move on.
However, if you’re just crushing on your friend and you aren’t sure if they feel the same way, give it some time to see if your crush subsides. Maybe even create some distance from the friendship by focusing more on your studies or hobbies.
If the sexual chemistry between you is off the charts, it might be hard to resist — and it’ll likely be a lot of fun if you were to get together! If you both feel good about more casual relationships like friends with benefits, then it’ll probably be a rare case where you can have your cake and eat it too!
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“What are some good ways to meet new people without dating apps?!”
This is a question that loads of people are asking nowadays, as dating apps can lead to burnout and feelings of alienation and objectification. Meeting someone and feeling that spark of attraction face-to-face can be thrilling! It’s one of the most exciting and wholesome parts of dating because you never know when it might happen and where things might lead.
Even when it doesn’t work out beyond an initial attraction, meeting people in person can such a confidence boost and it helps you feel desirable. It also puts you more in tune with your emotions. Being able to approach someone in a genuine way is a massive boost to your social skills. In turn, that confidence will only make you more attractive to others. Bonus!
So how do you meet new people? This is the best part — basically, every situation is an opportunity. You can strike up a conversation with someone in class, on the bus, at the library, in the pub, at a social event, in a gallery or a museum. Try joining a club or society to find like-minded people.
It’s fun to do things with friends, but a great way to meet people is to go out independently and try things your friends may not be interested in.
Most importantly, try to get out there in the real world. Online groups can be fun, but the art of in-person socializing is important to cultivate. Be vulnerable. This is easier said than done, but it’s important in making new connections and strengthening existing ones. Remember that how you feel about yourself correlates to how open and authentic you allow yourself to be with others. If you need to work on your self-esteem a bit to get there (as we all do at times), then gift yourself the opportunity to grow and love yourself more fully!
My final takeaway is to go into things with an open mind. Stay open to making new friends rather than only scouting for dates. It’s often through friends that we meet other people we vibe with on an emotional and romantic level. To avoid significant discouragement, remember that rejection is part of life. It’s OK to take breaks from dating and meeting new people — these things take time!
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“Platonic love matters too — what’s the best way to say “I love you” to someone while making it clear that your intentions aren’t romantic?”
This is such a sweet and caring question. My advice is simple: just say exactly that! Communication is a dish best served raw. Does that metaphor make sense? Probably not, but I wanted to try something there. My point is, that in situations like this where I worry my message may be misconstrued, I always opt for the direct approach. People may be a bit taken aback by your candour, but you’ll be respected for it. In my opinion, there are few things tastier in life than hearing a friend say, “I love you. You’re such a great friend. Thanks for being you.” And there are few things more nourishing than telling someone how you feel and expressing your love to others. Life is short and connections are a gift — tell your friends you love them while you can.
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“Forget grand gestures — what are the best casual, everyday ways to show people you love them?”
My advice? Listen. Give the people you love your full attention when you’re with them and give them the space to share openly. Allow room for deeper conversations by listening without judgment. When you listen to others, you’ll learn how to show them how much they mean to you in the way that’s most significant to them. You’ll learn what makes them tick and, therefore, what actions and words help them feel seen and appreciated. You’ll often find that your relationships are deepened when you listen to others with empathy. Show people you care about them by putting yourself in their shoes and by taking the time to consider their perspectives, feel their pain and share in their joys. Nurture your bonds by listening. It shows that you don’t take your connections for granted.
Thank you to everyone who sent in these amazing questions. Happy Valentine’s Day, Ravens!
