Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes have been fabricated.
The Charlatan will boycott all student politics from May 1, 2021, to April 30, 2022, according to a statement released Thursday.
The paper made the decision because “we’re sick of this crap,” according to news editor Safiyah Marhnouj.
In the statement, the student newspaper said it would not publish any articles on student politics during the upcoming executive terms of the Carleton University Students’ Association, Rideau River Residence Association or Carleton Academic Student Government.
“At this point, it’s just exhausting,” Marhnouj said in an interview. “I’d rather write a 20-page essay than attend one more damn CUSA meeting.”
Mark Colley, Charlatan news editor, told the Charlatan that the newspaper’s decision to stop coverage of student politics was made because of the negative impact of the articles on students’ mental health.
“I love student politics as much as the next person, but we’ve come to the difficult decision that halting our coverage of student politics is for the good of the Carleton community,” Colley said.
However, according to two other members of the editorial staff, student mental health did not factor into the decision to boycott student politics.
“Whatever Mark tells you, don’t believe it,” said arts editor Isabel Harder. “It’s just because he’s too lazy to log into one freaking Zoom meeting, which is the easiest thing in the world.”
Emily Jacobs, a third-year sociology student at Carleton, said she approves of the Charlatan’s decision.
“What the hell is a Charlatan?” Jacobs said. “Whatever, yeah, sure. You can say whatever the hell you want, just don’t use my name. Not like I care, anyways. I’ve never read the student paper.”
When the Charlatan announced its decision, members of the r/CarletonU subreddit complained in posts that received hundreds of comments and upvotes.
Stanley Coolidge, a moderator of r/CarletonU, said he would now have to purchase a Netflix subscription.
“All my entertainment is gone,” Coolidge said through tears. “Not to mention my Reddit karma, which will go down the drain without any good student politics fodder.”
Executives on CUSA, RRRA and CASG expressed approval of the decision.
“Thank GOD. I never thought this day would come,” said one executive, who requested anonymity and was begrudgingly granted it. “This means you’ll finally stop emailing me, right? Well, I guess it doesn’t change much. I never responded anyways.”
In its statement, the Charlatan did not say whether the decision to boycott student politics was permanent. However, Olivia Joerges, the Charlatan’s editor-in-chief, said she hopes future editors decide to continue the boycott.
“I swear, if I have to edit one more election profile piece…” Joerges said. “This isn’t on the record, right?”
