A scene: You have an amazing friend. They’ve been supportive, fun to be around, and generally just make you feel great. They’re such a wonderful friend that you find you often can’t stop thinking about them. You miss them in their absence, feel at peace when you’re around them, but why, suddenly, is there a longing associated with them?
Against all better judgement you’ve gone and committed a high felony: you’ve fallen in love with a friend.
Do not panic, (please stop crying in the shower, you still have your clothes on, Kay). While this emotional revelation can understandably be distressing for some (please stop writing sad poetry, Kay, we beg of you), your feelings are not necessarily something that will end in disaster. The key is you have to try to navigate your emotions constructively.
Romantic feelings are hard to manage at the best of times, and bringing a friend into it is bound to bring on some conflicting emotions in even the most level-headed lover. We wonder a million different scenarios and outcomes, a great many of which end with the Earth and your love life a flaming ball of garbage. Despite this, try to remember you will make it through these feelings and this episode of your life.
But how? I’d like to offer my best advice, based on my own experience with falling for a friend. I do not claim this advice is foolproof or that it will work with every situation, but I hope it might at least provide some helpful ideas to someone currently freaking out about their beloved.
First and foremost, it is important to understand your feelings as best you can before taking action on them. Evaluate how you feel about your friend. Is it truly love? If so, is it a platonic love, lust, or actual romantic love?
Once you have a grasp on what you’re feeling, think about why you feel that way. This can help you gauge how deep-rooted these feelings are and how you’d like to act on them.
For me, the realization I was in love with my friend prompted (after the unfortunate shower incident) some intense thinking. I realized they made me a happier person and I had a strong urge to make them just as happy and share intimacy with them.
I also realized on some level I would regret it if I didn’t tell them my feelings, which was complicated by them living in the same house as me and my now-ex. Regardless of this, the first step I had to take was figuring out the seriousness of my feelings and what I wanted for myself (in this case, a relationship with my friend).
Before your decision, you’ll want to think about some important questions. Do you and your friend have the type of relationship which could withstand them knowing you have feelings for them? Are you willing to possibly have your relationship with them be changed by this information? Are you or your friend in other romantic relationships? Do you think your feelings will eventually fade, or will they cause you distress?
If you come to the conclusion that you need to tell your friend, what’s most important is that you communicate clearly and openly. Make your feelings and what you want clear. Let them know about your thought process in telling them, and what you’d like your relationship to be.
In telling your friend, you must keep in mind they do not owe you reciprocation. The only thing you should expect out of telling them is a conversation. Open communication with your friend will be key in maintaining any sort of relationship.
Make sure to truly listen to what they say, and remember that them not reciprocating feelings is not a personal attack on you. Emotions can’t be forced. You’ll also need to respect their wishes in terms of what your relationship becomes if it stays platonic. Realize that you both may need some space after this, which is something you need to respect.
In my own experience, I ended up telling my friend (nobody can prove it was in a pub bathroom, please disregard this rumour). As fate would have it, they reciprocated my feelings. We ended up breaking things off with our partners and are now happily dating.
Admittedly, this is a best-case scenario. I realize I was very fortunate, but I also feel it does show that disclosing your feelings can sometimes work out in your favour. While I would advise you to always consider things for yourself, it is good to remember that inaction brings about nothing. Now go write some sad poetry.
Graphic by Paloma Callo.
