The Charlatan sat down with Ottawa-based clinical sex and relationship therapist Sue McGarvie to discuss healthy sexual relationships in university.
The Charlatan (TC): What is a healthy sexual relationship?
Sue McGarvie (SM): I tell people: remember skiing the first time,
and you’re at the top of the hill, and you’re terrified, and you get down the hill and go, “oh my god that was so much fun!” But beforehand you were terrified? Sex isn’t like that. If you don’t go into it going, “I really want to do this,” you usually come out of it feeling yuck.
TC: How do I know if I am ready to have sex?
SM: You’re not ready to have sex if you can’t have sex with the lights on and your eyes open. If you have to chug a bottle of Grey Goose in order to have sex, you’re not ready. You’re not ready if you can’t get your own condoms. You’re not ready to have sex if you can’t tell your partner, “this is what I would like.”
You’re not having sex at this point to have babies—I’m assuming as you’re university students—so you’re having sex because it feels good. So make sure it feels good.
TC: How do I start having safe sex?
SM: I tell people to start with everything else but [sex] . . . There’s a lot of politics with intercourse. My number one thing is fool around first. If you decide you’re going to do it, you need lube. You’re thinking “no, I’m drenched.” I think every woman needs lube, and as you have intercourse with condoms, you dry out which means you need lube or there’s more chances for it to break. Do some basic condom know-how, leave room at the tip, use some lube.
TC: I’ve been sexiled. How do I deal with that?
SM: You’ve got to negotiate some time with your roommate and figure out, you know, “you have a right to a sex life, I have a right to sleep, which means we need to negotiate.”
That includes saying, “we’re going to hang the coat hanger on the door.”
TC: What is wrong with floor-cest?
SM: You put adults together for any length of time, sex happens. This is the time for you to figure it out—hopefully unscathed. People that you live with, you shouldn’t be hooking up with for random sex unless you guys have set up a really clear friends with benefits agreement. I say to people, if you want to try random hook-ups, don’t do it where you live. If you’re going to have sex with somebody on your floor, make sure you really care about each other.
TC: Is having a friend-with-benefits a good idea?
SM: You both have to be on the same page . . . If you think this is going to be “I’m going to go home and meet his mother at Thanksgiving” and he’s thinking you’re Wednesday’s date, then you’ve got a different point of view. Just be clear about expectations.
TC: Why is consent important?
SM: It’s vital. It’s absolutely critical. You cannot get consent if someone is impaired. I have a rule for a lot of students: don’t drive drunk, don’t have sex drunk. I’m not saying you can’t have a couple of beers. I’m saying if you’ve crossed the limit and you can’t drive, you shouldn’t be having sex because you’re not making good decisions. As long as it’s safe and consensual, no kids, no puppies, and it’s pretty clear about what you want, then as I said, the world’s your oyster.
TC: Is there anything you want to add?
SM: This is supposed to be a time when you’re having fun. I want people to experience stuff, but do it in a way that doesn’t make you feel yuck and communication, communication, communication. It’s really hard stuff to say this is what I want, or I want the lights on, or I don’t feel good about myself, or I would really like if you went down on me.
All of those things are hard to say. Practice them and be empowered to do that. It can be the greatest time of your life so go enjoy it. Everybody’s going to be gloom and doom—I’m not, I’m a sex therapist—I’m like “go frolic naked, just do it smartly.”
That’s kind of my rule of thumb: I don’t care what you do, who you do it with provided it’s safe and consensual and you don’t leave with a bad taste in your mouth.
This interview has been condensed and edited.
