The golden rule for sex is to always communicate. Of course, this is easier said than done, even if you feel completely at ease with whoever’s genitals you are fooling around with. Personal tastes are, well, personal, and there is a lot of stigma associated with many fetishes. Fear of rejection or ridicule is all too common, but I promise you it doesn’t have to be that way.
Take no shame in your interests. Whether it’s BDSM, group sex, roleplay, anal play or literally anything ever, if it’s legal and consensual then it’s all good, baby bay-bay. Sure, others may not be into it, and that’s their prerogative—but you have the right to indulge in any consensual activity with whoever shares that kink.
This leads to the issue of finding out if your bed buddy is also into said kink. Sex is already an intimate act, even in the most casual of encounters, so letting your partner know you’d be into threesomes/polygamy/pegging/watersports/etc. can be a little terrifying.
Here’s some advice to get the conversation rolling:
Use Mojo Upgrade or Sexionnaire
These sites allow you and your sex mate to complete separate surveys of your own sexual tastes. Results only show acts or kinks that both parties show interest in, or that one would be interested in if the other were. Both sites give you a great PDF summary at the end to keep as a sexy checklist.
Look at porn or books of sex positions together
While mainstream porn is often male-focused, hetero-centric and gives terrible sex ed advice overall, there is a lot of porn out there that is more realistic and has more variety. Watching together makes it easy to open up about what you’d like to try. There are also tons of books, including for LGBTQ folks, which have fun (and occasionally perplexing) positions for each day of the year for inspiration and sparking conversation.
Visit a sex shop together
Like the above point, “sexploring” together makes it easy to talk about what you’d like to try. Just remember to be respectful in sex shops, since you never know what those in your vicinity are into, sex partners included.
Ask upfront
Most sex advice columns say not to bring up trying new things right after sex, but screw that. Coming down from release is a nice period when all parties should be relaxed and in a good frame of mind for mature, rational discussion. If you haven’t discussed it beforehand, do not bring it up during sex. Doing so can put pressure on others to say yes or no, which is not cool.
Don’t forget to always emphasize the importance of individual wants and desires, so make sure your tone and language isn’t pressuring someone to do something. You can say, “I saw/heard/read about [insert act/kink here] and thought it could be fun to try out. Is that something that would interest you?”
With the above advice in mind, talk the talk—and if all parties are into it, then you can walk the walk.
