Let’s face it, people—we like sex. Every relationship guru worth their salt claims you can’t have a healthy relationship without sex.
Getting past first base seems to be a culturally expected milestone every couple must reach if they ever hope to move beyond the awkward honeymoon phase in their relationship.
But if you’re ace, or asexual, maybe first base is quite alright and you are very comfortable there. A relationship to you is a source of companionship, adventure—Netflix without the chill.
But everyone in your life thinks there is something wrong with your concept of a relationship. They nonchalantly say that you just haven’t found the right person yet.
You turn on your television or open a magazine and there it is, right before your eyes. Romance isn’t worth the time without a little fun beneath the sheets, they say.
Even the Church, for all their fear surrounding “carnal pleasures,” says sex is essential to a good, faithful marriage.
And yes, I can’t forget the Charlatan, whose sex blog I have taken over this week.
There are a lot of misconceptions out there about people who aren’t interested in sex. I guess I should begin with the terminology.
Ace is short for asexual. Just like any sexual orientation, it is not a choice. There is nothing physically wrong with you—you just don’t feel sexually attracted to people.
That doesn’t mean you aren’t emotionally connected to people in your life, least of all your partner. Last time I checked, I have been in a healthy relationship for six months with a girl who I love a lot.
It took me a long time to come to terms with my sexual orientation. Being a lesbian doesn’t get a lot of backlash anymore, but asexuality often rubs people the wrong way. It might sound childish, but I owe a lot of my confidence to a book.
Alice in Wonderland may concern the improbable adventure of a girl who falls down a rabbit hole into an alternate world, but it taught me some valuable lessons about embracing your differences.
Alice herself felt out of place in wonderland. Everything was strange and didn’t make sense. That passage mimicked my life before I embraced who I was. I always felt out of place because I had no sex drive. I thought I’d be single for the rest of my life because no one else seemed to feel like I did.
Just like Alice found her way through wonderland and embraced all the strange people around her, I did too. I have found a fabulous girlfriend who understands my aversions to sex. We don’t need it to feel intimate. Besides, who wants to be busy doing the dirty during the climax of The Winter Soldier? All that tells me is you’re just not into Marvel.
Finally, Alice is able to win over the creatures of wonderland, even the Queen of Hearts. My family and friends understand I am asexual and accept it, at the very least with a dash of skepticism.
When I get asked if maybe I haven’t met the right person, I have an answer now. With a chuckle I reach over and give my girl a hug. Pointing at her, I say you’re looking at my Missus Right.
Most people drop the subject then.
But if you run into the Red Queen in your life, just tell them you identify as a human amoeba. Even she won’t know how to respond to that.
