First-date sex. Oh baby, here’s a contentious topic. When I started dating, my mom did her best to hammer the message into my head that if I go out with a guy and I want him to “take me seriously,” I’d better wait a respectable amount of time before I get into bed with him. I was, and continue to be, fiercely resistant to most of my mother’s dating advice, but this rule in particular has always been something I’ve questioned. How long am I supposed to be waiting? Five dates? Until he pops the question? What is this mysterious point at which I transform from an easy lay to serious girlfriend material in a guy’s eyes? Is this something they actually think about? Do I even want to be “taken seriously?” It’s all very confusing.
I recently came across a 2013 Cosmopolitan magazine poll that surveyed 10,000 adults between the ages of 18 and 35 about their stance on having sex on the first date. The results surprised me. Eighty-three per cent of the women surveyed said they believe men think less of a woman who has sex on the first date, while 67 per cent of the men said they absolutely do not think that way. According to these statistics, if I were to go on ten first dates with ten different guys, and slept with every single one of them—whew—then three or four of these guys would think less of me, while six or seven of them would not. Hmmmm.
I think first-date sex is a lot more complicated than those numbers make it seem. From personal experience, context is hugely important. I’ll admit it. I’m guilty of breaking the first-date sex rule on more than one occasion. I’ve gone out with guys, had an incredibly great time on our date, and I’ve ended up staying the night. We got along really well and the sex was fun and exciting. If the connection is there for both of us, I’ve never had a guy tell me that my willingness to sleep with him earlier rather than later was a turn-off. Maybe they were just being polite, I don’t know. But in my experience, if the relationship progresses—or conversely, if it ends—the fact that I had sex with the guy on our first date typically has no bearing.
On the flip side, I’ve gone out on dates that haven’t been ideal. For whatever reason, I wasn’t super into the guy. But if I still feel like having fun—particularly when red wine gets involved—sometimes I do end up in bed with the Mr. Not-So-Perfect. And honestly, I’m sure in a lot of these cases, I haven’t been these guys’ dream girl either. So we have first-date sex and maybe we try for one more date, or we just want to pretend like it never happened, but either way, things never go any further.
But the point I want to make here is that in my opinion, it wasn’t sex on the first date that killed our relationship potential or made the guy less interested. That potential never existed in the first place. We just weren’t that into each other. If I had refrained from sleeping with the guy, I don’t think it would have made him interested in me if he wasn’t already. If it did, then I certainly wouldn’t want to have anything to do with him because he’s probably an asshole that wants to feel macho by hunting down a kill. You’re not a lion, buddy.
At the end of the day, I think a genuine connection trumps the stigma that surrounds first-date sex. I’ve had guys tell me it made them even more attracted to me. I’m a girl that loves her sexuality, so it makes sense that I’d get along well with a guy who’s the same way. I’ve also had guys tell me it was a turn off that they didn’t have to “chase me.” Like Cosmo said, 33% think that way.
But that’s just not my style, so those guys weren’t ones I was truly compatible with. If you’re not the kind of person who likes getting intimate with someone you’ve just met, that’s cool too. Do what you want, and what you feel comfortable with. If you meet a partner who values the same things you do—whether that’s passion, or trust, or the thrill of a challenge—then you should set your own rules. Sorry Mom.
