We’ve all been there: you’ve been chatting with someone for a bit, things seem like they’re going well, and then, poof! They disappear.
Not from existence, just from your messages.
What follows is hours and hours of poring over old text messages, wondering if it was something you said or if something happened that made them stop talking to you.
You talk to your friends, trying to come up with endless theories about why they stopped responding until you end up feeling like Charlie Day from that It’s Always Sunny meme.
It’s something we’re all guilty of at some point—myself included. There’s nothing wrong with realizing you don’t have a connection with someone you may have initially thought you did, but the problematic part comes with the disappearance.
Why has it become easier to just “ghost” someone rather than actually explain the situation to them? Have we become so afraid to hurt each other’s feelings that the alternative is to just stop talking to them entirely?
In the era of fake news, the truth is often misconstrued and more complicated than it’s made out to be. In some social situations, being honest with someone can be less complicated.
You have the ability to say, “Sorry, I’m just not interested in you.” Why don’t more people take advantage of that phrase? Sure, it’s awkward and uncomfortable for a bit, but doesn’t that make the moment when you see the person again so much easier?
With so much of our lives being on social media and through online interaction, it seems like
ghosting someone is the easier alternative— yet it only makes everything so much more awkward for everyone involved.
For the person who got ghosted, they’re left to wonder what happened. For the person who did the ghosting, they’re reminded what they did everytime they have to see that person again.
Telling someone you’re not interested in them is arguably easier than just leaving them alone. You avoid the, “hey, are we good?” messages, which could end up being a much longer conversation. You avoid the, “wow, okay, so it’s just gonna be like that then,” messages. I have both sent and received those messages and it’s never felt good.
No one wants to be an asshole on purpose. That’s not to say every interaction you have with someone should be followed by some lengthy conversation explaining the situation. I feel like there are only three situations in which that should happen.
First, when there’s been some time put in. This depends on the situation, but I personally think a month or so of communication necessitates a conversation.
Second, if you’ve learned different things about that person, beyond surface-level things and actually getting to know who the person is, that necessitates a conversation.
And third, it seems like it could actually go somewhere, dating or otherwise, if it may or may not be something casual. Either way, you’re more than acquaintances.
Asking someone “Hey, you wanna go out sometime?” after talking to them for weeks hits a little differently than “Hey, we should hang out,” after talking for a few hours.
Like it or not, people have feelings. Though people get over things as time goes on, ghosting can affect self-confidence and take a toll. Being honest is scarier and nerve-wracking, but it’s better in the long run.
Don’t believe me? Give it a shot next time you find yourself in a similar situation. See how it plays out.
Graphic by Lara Sedele.
