“Beyonce is 34 and Jay Z is 45. So I ain’t even stressing anymore. Bae is probably chillin in the fifth grade playing freeze tag.”
A friend tagged me in a Facebook post with this line the other day and I had a solid laugh. I’ve been known to go for my fair (or disproportionately large) share of older men over the last few years. But it got me thinking about dating or hooking up with people outside your age bracket. I’m not talking a year or two—I don’t think that’s particularly relevant.
Now that my peers and I are in our twenties, it’s becoming more and more commonplace to see women dating guys five or more years older, or vice versa. How and why does this dynamic work in the bedroom? Even more contentiously, can it be sustained in a more serious context, such as dating or being in a relationship?
I’m a terrible judge when it comes to people’s ages. Perhaps it’s a simple failure to notice an older guy’s age that has resulted in me dating so many of them. Two particularly awkward situations come to mind when I think about this.
Over the summer, I went to Ribfest in London. I had a few friends working on a rib truck and spent most of my night hanging out with them. One of their co-workers was particularly hot. After hitting on each other for most of the night, I suggested he come out to the bars with us after the festival ended, to which he replied, “Aw, I’d love to, but I can’t. I don’t have my fake ID with me.” Turns out the hot guy I assumed was my age was actually 17. I’m in my third year of university. Shit. Thankfully I clued in sooner rather than later.
On the flip-side, I was covering a business event for a journalism class and I interviewed a young (looking) guy about his startup company. Afterwards, he asked me out. His interview didn’t make it into the story, and I said yes. I assumed he was in his late twenties. Silly me. On our date, I asked him about when he graduated from university. He asked me when I did. Turns out he’s 40. I told him I’m 20. Not sure which of us felt more awkward. It got even worse when the server asked for my ID when we ordered a bottle of wine. But hey, we went with it. Good conversation and a free meal, right?
Such extremes aside, I’m the first person to advocate dating outside your age bracket. My Tinder age range is 20-30. Any guy who falls between that is fair game, in my opinion. Looking back, my best dates have been with guys over the age of 25. The conversation is stimulating, there’s more honesty about expectations, and in my experience, many older guys are more likely to expend effort to make the date unique and memorable.
They know how to choose a good restaurant, and even more importantly, a good wine (priorities). The same goes for sex. The qualities I look for when I sleep with someone—generosity, communication, and stamina (kidding, not really)—are ones I see most frequently when I hook up with older dudes. Does that make me shallow? Maybe. But probably not. I have a type, which many of us do—the kind of person who possesses the kind of qualities we find ourselves most attracted to. In my case, it’s the 25-plus pool.
This doesn’t mean I’m knocking guys who are my age, or close to it. If I meet a guy I connect with, who treats me respectfully and I find myself attracted to, it doesn’t matter how old they are.
Most of my guy friends are my age, slightly younger, or slightly older. I think this says a lot about the importance of being at a similar place in life with the people you’re closest with. I’m in university. I stress about school, part-time jobs, and what I plan to do after graduation. I can be reckless and selfish. I think that’s normal for many young people. Many of my best friends—guys and girls—share these qualities. The ones who don’t accept me regardless, because at the end of the day it’s my life and they live theirs.
But it’s different when it comes to dating. When you make a serious commitment to one another, I think most relationships can only survive when both partners are at a similar stage in life. There are exceptions, of course. But in my experience with dating outside my age bracket, the cracks begin to show when things get serious.
Introducing a potential partner to your friends if they’re much older or much younger feels pretty awkward. The same goes for your parents. I dated a guy who had an incredibly high-pressure career, leading me to feel inferior when I stressed over an exam. A huge age difference between a couple might also mean one of you is at a point in life when you’re beginning to consider marriage or having kids while for the other, these remain considerations for the distant future.
At this point, I’m mostly speculating. I’m not good at serious relationships and I’ve never been in one for more than a few months. But given my preference for older dudes, the above considerations were ones friends pointed out when I started seeing older guys. And I think they made some good points.
So while I’d recommend dating or sleeping with someone who’s older than yourself if you’re attracted to them and they treat you with respect, I’m not so sure a relationship that spans a significant age gap is sustainable in the long term. If you’re someone who’s done this successfully, then jeez, good for you. I’d certainly appreciate some pointers.
