When I think about what being sexy means to me, dirty talk is usually not an activity I include on my list.
That’s probably because in my mind, dirty talk consists of forced porn-style references thrown in between thrusts: “get down on your knees and lick the toilet, I said LICK IT!” (Or whatever it is the women in black pleather say to the men in dog collar).
Toilet references make me uncomfortable, as does anything involving urinating or defecating, when I’m thinking about sex. This is an area that’s out there for me, and for that reason I set out to see if there was anyway I could conquer my fears.
I signed up for another workshop at Venus Envy where alongside other valuable information I learned various interesting names you can call your partner’s bits in bed (the most hilarious of these was most definitely a man’s “beef injection”).
In actuality, I realized I had a pretty decent grasp on the concept already. Dirty talk doesn’t necessarily have to mean pushing it to the extremes, it can just mean exploring however far out of your comfort zone you’re willing to go. More risqué language may make you feel more comfortable taking on a dominant role during sex or maybe it will end up being a way for you to live out a fantasy by assuming an alter ego.
Opening up about your deepest, darkest fantasies isn’t something I would call easy, and the fear of rejection or being embarrassed is enough to keep most people mum. Perhaps you think telling someone your fantasies will send them running off in the other direction. It’s pretty important to note that fantasies are almost always exactly that, pure fantasy. Just because you’re turned on by something doesn’t mean you necessarily want to do it.
An interesting exercise is to try and break down your fantasies.
Once you start to recognize these smaller contributing factors, you can now try to bring up less threatening scenarios with your partner. Starting off with blindfolds or quickies is a nice transition for you to get comfortable with what it is you’d like to try.
For those of us taking baby steps, dirty talk can also be used instructionally. Combining a little affirmation, “keep doing that, I love it when you . . .” with some direction, “more to the left, slower, harder” etc. allows you room to be more vocal while still taking it slow.
A possible byproduct of dirty talk may be that you end up becoming comfortable talking about sex not just during, but after as well.
There’s no shame in wanting to enjoy yourself and ultimately orgasm, and sometimes that means having to tell your partner that they’re just not getting it. I probably wouldn’t suggest saying something like, “have you ever done this before?” while they’re naked and vulnerable. Try to have a conversation about sex in an asexual environment where there’s a reduced chance of hurt feelings or a heated argument.
This is the perfect time to deliver your partner a shit sandwich. Shit sandwiches consist of some constructive criticism slathered between two pieces of positive affirmation, and go something like this: I loved it when you . . . but next time could you try . . . that would make it even more amazing. Yes, they will probably know that they are eating a shit sandwich, but they will also most likely appreciate that you took the time to consider their feelings instead of just blurting out what a terrible lay they were.
One of the obstacles that I found was most common amongst the participants at the workshop was simply a lack of vocabulary. Our instructor mentioned that before you begin it’s important to think about what kind of language you’re comfortable with. Are tits, dick, and balls okay but pussy isn’t?
And alternatively, if you’re pursuing something more than casual sex what kind of language does your partner like to use? Maybe you never swear but it turns you on to hear or say, “fuck me.”
If you’re lucky enough to have a partner you trust you can always start by just asking them to go easy on you as you try to find what feels right.
Other ways of introducing dirty talk into your life is by reading erotica, either by yourself or aloud to a partner. Reading aloud is nerve wracking enough for many people, and can be even more so when the material is sexual. If you’re too caught up trying not to mess up it’s going to be pretty hard to get into what you’re reading. Instead of thinking about it as a make or break attempt at seduction, lower the expectations you have for what is supposed to happen afterwards.
Breathe, drop the tone of your voice and just read as if you’re reading an interesting article. Maybe you’ll go back to watching television after, maybe you’ll cuddle or maybe, you’ll have some pretty inspired sex.
Watching porn together is another way of gauging what your partner’s response may be to you telling them to cum on your face or whatever else you’re dying to say. While definitely intimate, masturbating for each other or explaining what you’re doing and what feels good can also open up the way for more dialogue during sex.
Regardless of what you’re trying to achieve I strongly believe that experimenting can only result in bringing you closer to having the kind of sex you want to be having. Besides the excitement that comes with exploring something new, that newfound assertiveness can be as much of a confidence builder outside of the bedroom as it can be in it.
So go ahead, get a little dirty.
