Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Despite an increasing deficit, Carleton University will spend $100 billion to give school signage a “fresh, new look.”
In a Nov. 8 statement emailed to the Carleton community, the university’s board of governors announced a multi-year rebranding project to change the font of all school signage, emails and merchandise to Comic Sans.
“Screw the deficit,” said university president Tim N. Roman. “I’m putting students’ money where it matters most.”
The new font will keep the university environment engaging, Roman said.
“The youth want hip, so I try to stay hip,” he said. “Comic Sans is ‘rizzy’ and ‘slay.’”
According to the university’s vice-president of finance, Helvetica Neue, the decision to switch to Comic Sans is a marketing ploy.
“We want to reach prospective students at an early age,” Neue said. “Studies show that four-year-olds are enchanted by Comic Sans’s whimsy.”
The font rebranding was announced amidst the Justice for Comic Sans (JCS) movement, a growing student-led effort to recognize the font’s beauty.
“Comic Sans has been disrespected for far too long,” said Arial Bold, president of the Carleton JCS association. “The haters will say it’s illegible, but I say they’re illiterate.”
For years, the JCS has been calling on the university to establish a font association for the protection and rights of Comic Sans. Now, the association will be in charge of ensuring the “smooth and efficient” transition to the new official font, according to Carleton’s Nov. 8 statement.
E.B. Garamond, the newly appointed president of the font association, said he could not guarantee the process would be smooth or efficient.
“I mean, we’re talking about every single sign. In washrooms, forgotten corners of the tunnels, 311 Southam Hall, 312 Southam Hall, 313 Southam Hall … It’s a big ask,” Garamond said.
But he’s ready to take on the challenge, he said, “for the good of the people.”
“They might not be vocal about it, but we know that every student wants this,” he said.
When asked if $100 billion was an excessive allocation of resources for the font change, Garamond said the budget was not enough.
“Maybe for a simple font like Lobster or Pacifico, but to capture the undeniable grace and grandeur of Comic Sans, I fear we may need all the money in the world.”
The font-changing process will begin on Jan. 1, 2025, according to the university’s statement. It will follow seven stages:
- Exterior signage, including entrance, building and construction signs
- Interior signage, including tunnel, classroom and emergency exit signs
- Paper communications, including acceptance letters, Dean’s list certificates and diplomas
- Web communications, including newsletters, Carleton Central, Brightspace and emergency notifications
- Social media communications, including Instagram, X (formerly known as Twitter) and LinkedIn posts
- Branded items, including notebooks, pens, lab coats, sweaters, pants, hats, undergarments, napkins and toilet paper
- Academic requirements, including syllabi, final examinations and all submitted coursework
Following the university’s announcement, student organizations released an open letter titled “Stop Wasteful Spending, Save our Serif.” The letter has garnered 23 signatures, electronically signed in the Georgia font.
In reaction to the open letter, Bold said the era of serif is over.
“They had their time, now it’s done,” said Bold. “The dawn of Sans Serif fonts begins.”
Featured image by Sadeen Mohsen/the Charlatan.
