Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes, names and events have been fabricated.
Carleton University’s Rodney the Raven and the University of Ottawa’s Gee-Gee have a storied history as the Bytown rival universities’ mascots.
So it came as a bit of a shock to the Ottawa student community when the bird and horse were spotted necking on a yacht sailing the Ottawa River yesterday. This follows what appeared to be a dinner date for the pair earlier this year, where they were photographed chowing down on Carleton’s cafeteria mystery meat.
The couple has developed a more intimate relationship ever since the Carleton Ravens beat the uOttawa Gee-Gees to take home their first Panda Game win in seven years on Oct. 5, according to a source close to the couple.
The Partisan is not naming the source, as they fear repercussions for speaking out about the blossoming romance.
“They’re really good for each other,” the source said. “It may seem like they’re rivals or polar opposites, but that really just adds to the chemistry. I haven’t seen either of them this happy in a long time.”
While some members of the Carleton and uOttawa communities may be outraged at the pairing, the lovebirds’ blooming relationship shows the unlikely pair are a match made in heaven.
And we can look to the heavens for the evidence.
Last week, the couple sent the rumour mill a-turning after “Gee, this Rodney is raven 4 u <3,” was spelled in the sky in Comic Sans lettering. Though Rodney was contractually obligated to use that font due to Carleton’s $100 billion font rebrand, the message still stands as a grand, romantic gesture.
“He was so proud to share it. Gee-Gee is truly the wind under his wings,” the source said.
There’s nothing more romantic than a public declaration of love. If anything, this shows that Rodney and Gee-Gee are ready to make their relationship public, no matter the consequences.
They’ve come a long way from the viral jumbotron incident at this year’s Panda Game, where Rodney was caught caressing Gee-Gee from behind and swaying to “Yellow” by Coldplay playing over the speakers.
Due to the booing and heckles from both sides of the arena, Rodney later put out a statement saying he was just helping GeeGee regain their balance after being flabbergasted by uOttawa fumbling the win.
With the two now photographed getting cozy on a yacht, it’s clear the statement was nothing more than PR spin. The two have real and lasting feelings — and who are we mere students to get in the way?
If anything, it’s disheartening that the couple ever saw the need to hide their love in the first place. If a bird and a horse choose to fraternize, we should see this as a major win for animal rights and a step towards inclusivity everywhere.
Their newfound courage should inspire us all to go after that hot, dangerous, forbidden enemies-to-lovers romance — it’s what Rodney and Gee-Gee would want us to do.
So, Rodney and Gee-Gee, if you’re reading this, we support you. We want more photos of candle-lit dates and yacht cozies, but we also understand the need for privacy.
With that in mind, please consider the Partisan’s suggestions for your next romantic getaway.
- Catch some scenic views from Daddy Dunton.
- Go for a steamy November swim in Dow’s Lake.
- Chow down on some free CUSA pancakes before Tariffs 1001.
- Cuddle aboard the Line 1 and Line 2 O-Trains between the Carleton and uOttawa campuses.
- Belt out anthem karaoke in the Literary Analysis of the Star-Spangled Banner course.
- Get severed and see if love does indeed transcend severance.
To any naysayers doubting this forbidden romance between star-crossed lovers, we curse you with eternal Panda Game Ls, for both sides.
To the lovebirds, we wish you an eternity of Comic Sans love letters and jumbotron cuddles.
