COVID-19 has taken a tremendous toll on our well-being by stripping us of simple human contact. As the world seems to be heading towards dystopia, this time in isolation might be making us irrationally hornier than ever.
Our collective horniness makes the subject matter of M.J. Edwards’ 25-page eBook, Kissing the Coronavirus, all the more interesting, even if it’s just for laughs.
M.J. Edwards is an anonymous, unknown author with one other published work, Penetrated by the President’s Twitter Feed. It was originally suggested by some Reddit users that the author’s true name was Robert Winter, an author of several LGBTQ+ erotic works including Vampire Claus and September. However, Winter dispelled these rumours, saying someone used his pen name and author’s photograph as their own.
Throughout the eBook, Edwards unabashedly sexualizes the virus. Considering the book’s controversial nature, it comes as no surprise that the writer chose to claim someone else’s identity.
Kissing the Coronavirus tells the fast-paced, sexually confusing story of Dr. Alexa Ashingtonford, a scientist working on finding a cure for COVID-19 with her team. From the first page, she begins to feel aroused by the virus, still in its chemical beaker.
The coronavirus doesn’t stay in its test tube for the entirety of the book. By the final days of their research, the majority of the team had died of COVID-19. This leaves Dr. Ashingtonford and Dr. Bob Gurtlychund to announce they have a trial vaccine ready (indicative of the author’s extremely limited scientific knowledge).
Dr. Gurtlychund, in a shocking turn, injects the vaccine into himself. He reveals to Alexa that he has had the coronavirus for a while.
Once the vaccine establishes itself in his body, Dr. Gurtlychund’s transformation begins. He soon transforms into a green-skinned hunk. He becomes COVID-19 in human form. He started as a stout, mustached man who Alexa noted was not the kind of guy she was usually attracted to, as “she liked big muscular men who looked like Greek statues, except with huge cocks rather than small ones.”
Dr. Ashingtonford finds herself so attracted to Dr. Gurtlychund, now the virus, she could jump him right then and there—And she does, but unexpectedly, she also falls in love with COVID-19, experiencing an emotion she has never felt before.
Seeing the cover gave me a strong reason to believe that this would be erotica, but was I meant to take it seriously? A hulk-looking character, with the atomic structure of the coronavirus etched into him, wrapped in a romantic embrace—I knew this had to be done with the intent of being comedic relief during a pandemic. If the author’s humorous aim was on purpose, then the job was well done.
Edwards exaggerates commonly-used erotica cliches throughout the book, especially for Dr. Ashingtonford’s role. She’s a woman with “huge boobies, a thicc ass and nice legs,” who is constantly horny and in a ready position to be railed. The author describes her as every distasteful erotica writer does, making her “ample breasts” bounce with each graceful step and having “her blonde hair wafting lavishly” in the wind. It’s clear that the author utilizes these tropes in a parodic manner, and in this case, it elevates the comedic tone of the entire book.
With every page comes hilarious, quotable lines. The scientist explains how deprived she is of “the feeling of a hot man-dog inside her lubricated pussy-bun,” and adds to the humour of the story.
As Dr. Ashingtonford listens to the virus bubbling from inside its containment, “her ovaries clash together like cymbals.” When we’re introduced to COVID-19 in human form, we get hit with, “his tongue, so soft and hot, like a chunk of microwaved fish sloshing around her mouth.” The book ends up feeling like a non-consensual dick pic you pass around to make fun of with your girlfriends.
Many may interpret the book as inappropriate for the times in which we live, but should we be depriving ourselves of any satire surrounding the pandemic? Can satire alleviate the feelings associated with this depressive reality?
With an unsure end to all of this, there is no reason not to raise a comical piece of entertainment from the darkness. The scenario Edwards shows us is an absurdity of the times. This book doesn’t take away from the millions of lives claimed by the coronavirus. But it does make us painfully aware of our collective horniness, and at least provides a good laugh during trying times.
Featured graphic by Isabel Harder with photo from M.J. Edwards.
