Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Carleton University’s Dining Services says students cannot take food out of the residence cafeteria because consumption of their food outside of their walls will lead to unprotected sex.
Dining Services prevents students from taking food outside of the cafeteria. In the past, The Caf has cited food poisoning and supply chain issues for the measures in place. This new reason is just as absurd, according to students.
“It’s just food for crying out loud,” residence student Copa Feel said. “What do they think it’s gonna make us do? Fall in love?”
Students falling in love is exactly what executive chef Ima Prood believes will happen.
“Because our food is made with love, it can easily lead to moments of making love,” Prood said. “One moment students are enjoying pizza together, then the next they are raising three kids.”
Student Picki Eatir has been on a Carleton meal plan for three of his four years at the school. He argues that Dining Services’ excuses are ridiculous at best.
“If anything, eating the Caf food will make you fall out of love, not into it,” Eatir said.
Dining Services said it encourages students to continue eating in the cafeteria so the uncomfortable chairs can kill the mood before it strikes.
Featured image by Anya Swettenham.
