In a surprise press conference Tuesday night, a team of Carleton researchers announced they’d discovered all there is to know about science.
“Well, that’s that,” declared team leader Ashley Born. “We’ve pretty much covered every bit of science we can. There’s nothing left to find out.”
The team, which has been working steadily since 1998, hit the end of the scientific line Tuesday afternoon just after 4:30 p.m.
“We knew we were getting close, but we didn’t realize how close,” explained researcher Miles Anthem. “We finished with biology and chemistry last week, and by Monday we had covered most of physics. After that we just figured out the last little bit of astronomy and it all came together,” Anthem said.
“Although, if we knew we were so close we might have taken a longer lunch break on Tuesday,” he added.
But not everyone was enthused by the complete catalogue of possible human knowledge.
“Come on!” exclaimed 26-year-old Grant Deacon, who will be receiving a PhD in molecular biology this June.
“They found all of science? It’s not fair!” Deacon said. “Couldn’t they have left us a few bits here and there?”
“I should have listened to my father and studied history,” Deacon muttered bitterly.
Now that they’ve uncovered the intricacies of quantum physics, genetics and the origins of the universe, the team remains unsure what to do next.
“Go on holiday, I guess?” mused researcher Frances Drake. “It’s going to be a little difficult getting any more grant money.”
The team’s complete findings will be published this fall in a special 3,000-page edition of the Christian Science Monitor.