Ahead of one of the heartiest days of the year, Carleton University associate professor of psychology and relationship scientist Cheryl Harasymchuk sat down with the Charlatan to discuss all things love.
She offered insight and advice on everything from different types of love, whether there is such a thing as love at first sight, what it takes to maintain a happy relationship, and how to get cuffed.
The Charlatan: How do you think Valentine’s Day particularly impacts relationships or self-esteem?
Cheryl Harasymchuk: Calendar celebrations can bring out the best and the worst in people.
It might serve as a prompt to do something different with your romantic partner—something novel and exciting—a way to show gratitude and appreciation for your partner.
The downside is that there are a lot of expectations associated with Valentine’s Day. You might be setting things up on Valentine’s Day for failure in your relationship. The bar might be set so high that you could only be disappointed—even if a lot of nice things happen that day.
TC: What kinds of love do you think are out there and how are they different or the same?
CH: It’s one of those questions where many people scoff at me like it’s a mystery, why even try to understand it? But, relationship scientists don’t like to end there. They want to uncover the big answer.
Ideally, all four types of love [romantic and sexual, companionship, compassionate love involving self-sacrifice, and attachment love which refers to being there for a partner in a time of need] would make for a flourishing relationship. But that being said, you don’t need all four types at a high level.
The companion type is one that is important or will carry through. Romantic, passionate, really sexual may be at the beginning, and then it sort of fades.
TC: What does it take to maintain a healthy and happy relationship?
In terms of reducing weaknesses, one thing that people can do is not avoid conflict altogether. They can reinterpret their partner’s bad behaviour in a more forgiving manner.
In terms of enhancing the strength of the relationship, people can engage in more gratitude in a relationship. You’re grateful for them, so actually say something.
TC: Your research focuses on shared activities and experiences between people in relationships and talking about expectations for excitement. Can you tell me more about that and what that means for relationships?
CH: For some couples, going bungee jumping might be the height of excitement and for some other couple that might be watching a different type of documentary. The key thing is that it’s new and exciting for the couple.
You can’t have novelty and play and excitement all the time in your relationship.
Be proactive. Rather than waiting until things are really dull in your relationship, use something like Valentine’s Day as a prompt to spend time with your partner, but in a slightly different way than you’re used to.
TC: Boredom can occur in relationships. I think some people might think when they’re bored, that might be a sign that maybe things aren’t working out. But is that the case?
CH: Boredom can signal the end of the relationship, like things are so dull, you’re so uninterested in your partner that it’s just better to go your separate ways.
But the way that I have been looking at boredom is on a day-to-day level. Boredom is likely to fluctuate a little bit each day, and just because you feel a little bored with your relationship one day doesn’t mean that it’s the end.
The advice is to be proactive because you might not notice it until it’s too late. Then you’re in a situation where you’re having a date night but it feels very forced and effortful.
You might feel like it’s just hard to genuinely add spark.
TC: Do you believe in love at first sight at all?
CH: There are some people that believe in love at first sight, and then there are other people that believe love requires work.
I’m a relationship scientist, and so I think many of us know how much work goes into having a happy relationship. I probably fall in the camp of relationships do involve work and it’s through that hard work that you’ll have a happier relationship.
[There are] people that not only believe in love at first sight, but they also believe in their soulmate.
Although it sounds romantic, those are the types of people that have a little more trouble maintaining a long-term relationship. Because at the first sight of any disagreement, it’s viewed as an indicator that this is not the soulmate.
People that believe that relationships are work, when you have the inevitable first fight, you don’t view this as a sign that it’s time to end. You view it as a sign, ‘Okay, it’s time to talk through it’ and and work through the disagreements.
TC: How do you think someone who maybe wants a relationship should go about getting one?
CH: If you have similar interests, values, and world beliefs, not only does it help you get in the relationship, you are also more likely to stay together because you see the world in the same way. It’s very rewarding to have that.
One way to find people with similar interests is knowing what you like what your beliefs are, so that you can share that with people and friends.
I wouldn’t necessarily say to someone, ‘Know yourself first and then go out there,’ because it’s a bit of a reciprocal process. You meet people and then you discover new things about yourself, you revise your self concept, and then you go back out there.
TC: Do you think that dating, courtship, or relationships now are different than it was maybe 20 years ago?
CH: [Because of online dating], people have access to more options for potential dating partners. They don’t just have to restrict themselves to the people in their social circle or the people they work with.
They can literally go shopping for a mate, so to speak, and hear about all the different interests.
The downside is the shopping-mode mentality. Inevitably, they’re just looking at the photos.
People might be focusing too much on factors like [the photos], rather than chemistry and what it’s like to have face to face interaction.
Right away, you’ll know whether you have chemistry.
Featured image provided by Cheryl Harasymchuk.
