Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
David Ferguson, a third-year political science student at Carleton, has run into a major predicament now that the buzz around the United States election is over.
“For the past year and a half or so, I’ve been able to hold conversations with people because I knew so much about the lead-up to the election,” Ferguson said. “Now that it’s over, I don’t have anything to talk about.
“My friends aren’t texting me back. My crush ignores me now that I don’t have any polls to send her.”
Ferguson’s best friend, Lee Brady, shed some light on the subject.
“I hung out with him after the results came in. Typically he’s full of obscure election facts, but this time he wasn’t. The majority of the time we were staring at each other awkwardly. I just kept checking the weather app to look occupied. Who would’ve thought rain in Mexico City could be so engaging?”
Ferguson’s campus life is equally as dire. Attempts to spark conversation with strangers using the icebreaker, “How about that election?” have not paid off yet.
“Honestly, it’s been hard for me to see him like this,” said Brady. “The guy used to light up at the sight of a new poll release or a slightly shifted favourability rating. Now, he just… stares… muttering something about swing states.”
Ferguson’s professors have also taken note of his post-election slump. Ernest Sampson, who teaches Ferguson’s international relations course, noted that his enthusiasm for participation has dwindled.
“He used to raise his hand every few minutes to disapprove of someone’s opinion on who was going to win,” Sampson said. “Now, he’s silent. This week he brought up a U.S. debate moment from 1992 as if anyone cares. It was concerning, to say the least.”
His roommate, Brad, shared his perspective on Ferguson’s activities: “I’m living with a lost soul. He recently stayed up all night watching videos on who won the state gubernatorial races. Who does that? I found him refreshing CNN’s electoral college map this morning too. I’m worried, man.”
With Canada’s upcoming federal election, some of Ferguson’s friends are cautiously optimistic. “Maybe this will be the thing to bring him back,” said Brady. “But honestly, if I see one more colour-coded map, I’m going to lose my mind. I’m just hoping he’ll take up squash or something — anything to stop him from sending me useless statistics at 2 a.m.”
Featured image from files.
