Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Pouring your milk before your cereal is a celebration of life and independence. Doing otherwise undermines the struggle for humanity’s liberation.
We learn about those who take pleasure in rewriting history to their advantage. They ban books and erase traditions. They do everything in their power to hide the truth and mislead you. But I’ve been sent to enlighten you.
Centuries ago, a group called the World Warriors led the fight for freedom and unity against The Highest Order—a powerful group that terrorized and pillaged nations.
Each battle was bloodier and deadlier than the last. But the Warriors came out victorious. To celebrate their newly-found freedom, they stood on the Mountain of the Brave.
In a large bowl, the leader poured out a jug of snow-white milk which symbolized the blood of those who gave their lives. He then picked out the cereal grain by grain from a sack, which he said signified abundance and prosperity.
Speaking to the crowd, he cried, “May the blood of our brothers and sisters be poured first, without which freedom would remain an unanswered prayer.”
When you put your milk first, you’re not only paying homage to these brave warriors, but you’re also reaping countless benefits.
Pouring the cereal after the milk makes it stay crispy for longer. If you enjoy eating soggy Lucky Charms or Corn Flakes, that’s between you and your dentist. But you should care about food waste.
When you put your cereal first, you’re left with a puddle of milk after you’re done because you didn’t see how much milk you poured. The counterargument that you can drink the milk or add more cereal fails to consider one thing: You might already be full.
For the record, unless you’re slam dunking the cereal in the bowl of milk, it won’t splatter anywhere.
The cereal-first majority has been brainwashed by descendants of the Order who, to no one’s surprise, cannot accept defeat. They put a spin on the tradition and claimed adding the cereal first leads to wealth and order.
This doesn’t make sense now, does it? Well, sore losers never do.
As a journalist, my right to advocacy is constantly snatched away in the name of being objective and impartial. But this is an opinion piece, so you’ll hear my two cents. Put your milk first. It’s the right thing to do.
Thousands of people didn’t die so you could sit in your fancy kitchen with a double-door refrigerator and three sinks, adding the cereal before the milk. Pull yourself together.
Featured graphic by Cara Garneau.
