I confess. A year ago, as a naïve freshman living on campus, I spoiled my ballot in the Carleton University Students’ Association (CUSA) elections.
This may come as a shock to the other four people who voted last year, but I wrote myself in for every position. Surprisingly, my vote total: one, inadvertently won me a seat as the computer science councillor, which was later rescinded when it was confirmed I was a journalism student, incapable of doing the simplest of math.
Following my ill-fated, last-second campaign to fill every executive position, I vowed to return the next year as a lean, mean, democratic voting machine.
Over the last few weeks, I’ve alternated between furiously drinking, and periodically informing myself on the pros and cons of each candidate. In the course of my labour, I’ve learned a few important lessons:
1. Democracy is hard.
2. I would rather watch sports, or Cops.
Diligently though, I read the platforms of each candidate, and watched their videos on YouTube (or, at least until I found a more interesting video on the sidebar). Like every Carleton student (I’m sure), I sacrificed my studies and my social life to gain a deeper understanding of the election.
The platforms for each candidate were so wildly different; I was faced with questions that required a lot of soul searching. Most pressing among them, would I support Texas Tuesdays at Oliver’s Pub, as Mike Hons suggested, or go with Tomisin Olawale’s Miller Mondays? And while Fresh Carleton promised a “fresh start,” A Better Carleton had an equally witty slogan: “A better Carleton is as easy as A-B-C.” It was my understanding that the outcome of the election hinged on these important issues.
But then, late at night Feb. 13, the democratic fire, which once burned so bright inside me, was extinguished.
I couldn’t tell you the exact moment the apathy washed over me, (or more importantly, how many beers deep I was at that point), but I finally understood why only 30 per cent of the student population turns out to vote: because the whole election thing is boring as shit.
The campaign posters that adorn campus are nice of course, and I think we can all agree being chased aggressively through the tunnels by CUSA candidates is one of the true joys of university. But everyone knows the unwritten rule — voting is for chumps. Nobody votes, and those who do, do so in private and don’t talk about it at the dinner table.
In my moment of drunken clarity, I figured out the solution. Democracy takes too much effort, so why even bother with it? Instead, I propose we select who represents us through a contest that would test candidates’ determination, on-the-fly thinking, guts, and tolerance to electrocution (qualities essential to any politician).
But what competition could possibly test all of those skills at once? Ultimate Tazer Ball (UTB).
The rules of the new viral sport are simple (check it out on YouTube if you haven’t already): two teams attempt to shoot an oversized soccer ball into the opposing net. Each member of the team is armed with an underpowered stun gun, which they are free to use on their opponents.
I propose that candidates play a game of UTB to decide who represents the students, slate vs. slate, with a special series of one-on-one matches to determine the councillors.
Uncivilized? Yes. Irrational? Yes. But since when has CUSA been described as civilized or rational?
Not only would a match of UTB engage the student population in ways an election never could, it would also test the candidates’ conviction. Would Fresh Carleton be as committed to revamping the CUSA website while staring down 300,000 volts? Would A Better Carleton still insist on wing nights at Ollie’s after being ruthlessly tasered?
With all the controversy surrounding the elections, and with accusations of cheating being an annual staple of the elections, moving to the pitch would do wonders for transparency.
Converting from elections to UTB would do wonders for student engagement in council. The campaign videos for the two CUSA presidential candidates this year have a combined total of just over 2,000 views. UTB, meanwhile, boasts a staggering 800,000 views on just a single promotional video.
There is one snag, however. Owning and operating a stun gun is currently illegal in Canada. But seeing as our previous council spent over $250,000 in legal fees on a minor internal dispute this fall, I figure they have enough experience in court to overturn the law.
I would love to be represented by councillors who puts the students first, don’t get involved in petty arguments that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars, and who accomplish the goals they set out in their platform.
But if that’s too much to ask, I’ll take a council with a blatant disregard for the taser instead.
