Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Cereal comes first. It is what nature intended.
At the Charlatan, we strive to do what’s best, to do what’s right. At the Charlatan, we always pour our cereal before we pour our milk. It’s just the way things are.
When one pours cereal first, they are able to accurately gauge the amount of food they have poured. If they have poured too much, it is easy to return some dry cereal to the box. Food waste is a cardinal sin. To waste perfectly good Cheerios, or Oatmeal Crisp—the favourite amongst Charlatan editors—is even worse.
When one pours cereal second, there is no turning back. As a sinner descends into hell, the cereal pourer descends their breakfast into chaos.
How can one be expected to begin their day with such an unhinged event? No person could ever be expected to continue on with business as usual after such a catastrophe.
Breakfast is supposed to be the most balancing and grounding meal of the day—one literally breaks their fast from the night prior as a start to their day. To begin this process with a move as vile and horrific as pouring milk first sets one up for failure.
Pouring the cereal first allows for evenly moistened cereal with just the perfect amount of milk. Like pouring dressing on a salad, starting with a solid and following it with a liquid only makes sense. It is the only way to ensure proper coating of the solid.
To quote the great chef Gordon Ramsay himself: “You don’t want dressing with some salad, you want a salad with some dressing.”
Pouring the milk second ensures you have your salad and the right amount of dressing. It ensures you won’t cut the roof of your mouth on crispy shards of grain that have yet to be moistened while floating at the top of the bowl. It ensures you hear the Snap, Crackle, Pop! of the processed rice flakes you’re about to ingest. It ensures you don’t fill your face with cereal slime and are able to enjoy crunchy morsels instead. It ensures cereal doesn’t plop into the milk and splash cow juice all over the counter.
It ensures your place in the order of things remains as it should be.
To do anything else not only makes me fear for your emotional wellbeing but spiritual wellbeing as well.
Be not like the heathens who disregard all order in favour of a chaotic reality. Pour your milk second. Your cereal—and your soul—will thank you.
Featured graphic by Cara Garneau.
