Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
An LRT driver brought the new Rideau River pedestrian bridge down with his train yesterday morning while trying to make a detour, leaving the public and local groundhogs lamenting what would have connected Carleton University and Vincent Massey Park.
“I’m devastated. I promised, like, fifty groundhogs they would soon get access to new land,” said environmental science student Harry Pits, who apparently speaks fluent groundhog.
LRT operator Brian Wrecker got a little carried away Saturday when he decided to get public transit going again along the O-Train Line 2 (Trillium Line) slightly ahead of the City of Ottawa’s schedule.
Wrecker, unnoticed, cruised through Carleton’s campus illegally on the O-Train. Upon realizing that the main bridge across the Rideau River was still under construction, Wrecker took an unexpected turn off the tracks towards the new pedestrian bridge.
In seconds, the bridge went from the city’s glimmering $5-million work of art to a snapped-in-half chocolate bar of steel. Miraculously, Wrecker emerged from the carnage completely unharmed. His vehicle was a different story. Not only did the smashed and shattered train pollute the clear and vibrant Rideau River, it subsequently angered nearby fly-fishers and further delayed the completion of LRT Stage 2 by another 300 years.
“Don’t ever say I never tried to get our Trillium Line going ahead of schedule and this LRT back on track,” an infuriated Wrecker told the Charlatan following his rescue from the crash.
When asked on-site by the Ottawa Police Service what motivated him to attempt the crossing, a handcuffed Wrecker explained he initially thought against it but received a strange-yet-sudden boost of courage when “Drive By” by Train started playing on the radio.
“What can I say? I was just planning on driving right over and across this bridge like Patrick Monahan does with the ladies,” he reasoned before being crammed into the back of an OPS car.
Most importantly, no groundhogs were harmed in this incident.
Photo by Arno Ryser/The Charlatan
