Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Ottawa Mayor Jim Watson visited Carleton on Wednesday to declare the Carleton Ravens the winners of the Panda Game following uOttawa street parties that flipped a car in Ottawa’s Sandy Hill neighbourhood.
While the uOttawa Gee-Gees came away with a 19-17 win thanks to a last-minute field goal, Watson said the behaviour of uOttawa students gave him no choice.
“I’ve spoken about this with my staff and realized this is the only way for healing to begin,” Watson said. “The Gee-Gees have officially forfeited the Panda Game.”
Watson’s announcement was met with resistance from many, including the Fulcrum, uOttawa’s student newspaper. The Fulcrum published an exposé alleging Watson had only given Carleton the win because he is an alumnus of the school.
“Our reporting indicates that Watson did not actually consult with city officials or his staff when making this decision,” the story reads. “Instead, we’ve heard that he was scrambling for any way to avoid Carleton taking three straight losses at the Panda Game.”
The Charlatan has learned the Fulcrum did not actually speak to any sources when writing their exposé. An anonymous city staffer told the Charlatan that the claims made by the Fulcrum were totally fabricated.
“They never even spoke to us,” the staffer wrote in an email. “This is ridiculous. Just another example of uOttawa trying to undercut Carleton every step of the way. We’ve been through enough trauma from losing the past three years. Just leave us alone.”
The Fulcrum did not respond to a request for comment, but an automatic email said editor-in-chief Charley Dutil was too busy to respond to emails due to his obligations with the Canadian University Press (CUP).
Carleton athletes expressed relief that they finally won a Panda Game.
“It’s just been so long since we’ve been able to take Pedro the Panda back where he belongs,” one player said. He requested to remain anonymous to avoid the embarrassment of being associated with the Carleton football team. “I’ve never been so relieved in my life.”
Featured image by Spencer Colby.
