Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
The Charlatan has managed to obtain a letter sent from a distressed student to their friend as they anxiously pursued Panda Game tickets. Please find it below.
Sept. 19, 2021
Loeb Building, Ottawa, Ont.
My dearest Kyle,
It’s been many days since we last wrote to each other. Lest I should not be able to write to you again, I feel compelled to describe the present situation. I am currently hiding inside a trash bin in the Loeb Cafe with two Panda game tickets and I am concerned my position will soon be compromised.
At first, there was peace. I eagerly awaited procuring Panda Game tickets with jovial spirit. Around me were similar buyers, all with excited anticipation at the prospect of a new Panda Game. For too long, we’ve missed our Carleton traditions, but we saw an end.
In thinking about our most valuable and time-honoured tradition, I forgot another: the ticket scramble. What we didn’t know was how much worse it would be this time. The tickets opened and two universities raced for their spots, but with limited capacity and a heightened desire from all groups, I felt concerned. That concern soon turned to fear.
For 45 minutes, chaos reigned. Students refreshed their Ticketmaster pages while furiously texting each other to coordinate their Panda Game groups. I saw groups form and break within seconds. As supply thinned, sabotage became the strategy. Students began misdirecting each other, suggesting secret ticket supplies held by Carleton Athletics.
I am ashamed to admit this, but I quietly unplugged computer chargers in the hope that laptops would die and give me a greater chance of success. I compromised my character, but the reward of getting devastatingly drunk while watching our football team lose was simply too great.
At the end of the 45 minutes, ticket sales closed. I was fortunate enough to receive two for us. But our struggles did not end there. The vultures began reselling their tickets, some charging $100 or more. Whether they succeeded, I do not know. But I shiver to imagine a poor soul having no option but to pay these exorbitant costs.
Now I am hiding in Loeb, fearful of being discovered and having my tickets taken from me. I hear rumours of rebel groups planning to “get sloshed” and climb the TD Place fences to sneak in. If these tickets make it to you and I do not, beware of these vagrants.
I hope I see you again.
Sincerely,
Josh
Featured image by Sarah Rosario.
