Events like Sexapalooza have created a more open discussion about sex and sexuality, but with all this talk of sex among students, we don’t seem to be addressing everything.
The truth is, not everyone wants sex. But there isn’t much conversation when it comes to choosing to abstain from the act. Instead, it is more likely to get quiet nods and sarcastic comments like, “Well, it’s your choice.” The worst of all is the forlorn puppy dog eyes that scream, “You are missing out!”
There is no convention telling you it’s okay to not want sex, or celebrating not being with somebody. As much as Sexapalooza appears to accept all LGBTQ members, the acronym is a bit longer and the end always seems forgotten. I get that LGBTTQQIAAP is a long acronym, but the A for asexual is routinely left out of the discussion, and often forgotten entirely.
The assumption that everyone wants sex is a narrow perspective—the kind we condemn when it comes to attacking sex positivity. Sex positivity is great, but the focus should be more on choice to do what you want with your body, rather than feeling the need to go out and have casual sex just to prove you are sex positive.
The university environment just makes that worse, because the constant talk of partying and mingling reinforces the normality of the casual sexual encounter. Forget wanting to go out to a club just because you want to dance or drink, just to feel happy and giggly.
With a lack of discussion about asexuality and the choice to not have sex in general, it’s easy to feel left out. There should be no shame or judgment associated with not having sex, whether it’s a choice or if it’s just built in your biology. It’s sad to see close friends feel the need to leave a party early because they don’t feel included in the often sex-centric conversation. I have made the mistake in the past of pushing a conversation too far, and I know others have too, because we forget that not everyone wants the juicy details.
If we are going to fully embrace sex positivity we need to acknowledge that it be exercised without having sex. It all comes down to having respect for each other’s boundaries and trying to understand the different perspectives that bring us together.
While I think Sexapalooza is a great event that helps people feel free to explore their sexuality, I hope that in the future they will think to include abstinence and asexuality in their discussion of sex positivity.
