On Oct. 26, former CBC radio host Jian Ghomeshi wrote on Facebook about the reasons for his departure as host of the popular radio show Q.
The story seemed simple at first, that he had been fired from the CBC due to what he called consensual sexual practices involving bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism (BDSM), after a “jilted ex-girlfriend” started to speak out against him.
I wanted to believe Ghomeshi’s side of the story was true because it spoke to one of my biggest fears: of being outed as a “kinkster” and of suffering consequences for BDSM acts in the bedroom.
But I believed these news stories before and did not want to take this story at face value.
The story that unfolded was not simple at all.
On Oct. 27, the Toronto Star printed the stories of four women who said Ghomeshi beat them and forced them into non-consensual sexual acts.
That number has risen to nine women, and two have named themselves. The story is still unfolding as I write this.
I don’t want to summarize, analyze, or choose sides when the Internet is already doing that.
Instead, I’d like to talk about BDSM, specifically in terms of consent.
Ghomeshi said in his post he only engages in “sexual practices that are mutually agreed upon, consensual, and exciting for both partners.” According to the Toronto Star article, nine women said they were physically assaulted by Ghomeshi.
There is currently a conversation unfolding across social media about the nature of consent and the line between BDSM and abuse. According to the Supreme Court of Canada, it is impossible to consent to something that causes yourself bodily harm.
There are many different facets to consent. But the one point I want people to focus on is that consent is ongoing. People can change their minds, and make suggestions or modifications to the activities they are consenting to.
Even if Ghomeshi can prove he had what he may have considered to be consent from his partners, whether through texts, emails, conversation, or actions, this does not mean these women consented for the activity to continue or to happen a second time. As soon as they wanted to stop, the activity became abuse.
This is why we need to talk to our partners. This is why safe words and the discussion of limits exist.
Because in this safe space, my partner and I can participate in activities that would not be possible without consent, as well as engaging in an ongoing conversation about how the activities are affecting us both: How are you? Do you need me to slow down?
To engage in any form of BDSM in the bedroom without consent or conversation beforehand is foolish, dangerous, and potentially scarring to either one or both partners. Essentially, it is abuse.
Ghomeshi framing these situations as consensual when the allegations against him say otherwise furthers the public assumption that all BDSM activities are abuse.
When he says he had consent, and the women say otherwise, it highlights the blurred lines between consensual and non-consensual activities and the importance of conversation before and during such activities.
Respect for limits and boundaries is key, and with this respect, BDSM activities can be consensual and non-abusive.
