Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Ottawa mayor Jim Watson said he will now run for re-election after Carleton University lost the Panda Game to uOttawa on Oct. 1. His main objective will be renaming uOttawa from the Gee-Gees to “literally anything else.”
Watson decided he would not seek re-election after his win in 2018. He reaffirmed his position after a difficult tenure during which Ottawa saw the COVID-19 pandemic, the Black Lives Matter movement and the so-called “Freedom Convoy” occupation.
Despite his affirmation, Watson said having to declare the Gee-Gees the victors of Panda again is enough to change his mind and re-enter the election race.
“No one knows what a Gee-Gee is, It’s a disgrace to have the name ‘Gee-Gee’ and Ottawa in the same sentence,” Watson said. “When a school has names like Gee-Gee and the Fulcrum, it’s impossible not to be laughed at.”
The Gee-Gee, commonly spelt GG, is supposed to be a horse-racing reference, according to uOttawa’s struggling student news outlet, the Fulcrum. It’s also supposed to reflect the university’s colours, garnet and grey.
However, a 2022 survey of uOttawa’s students by WTF is a Gee-Gee, a world-renowned data collecting company, reported that most uOttawa students think the colours are red and black.
The report concluded that 80 per cent of uOttawa students don’t know what a Gee-Gee is, while 11 per cent know it has something to do with horse racing.
“If they wanted to name their school after a four-legged animal, they should go with an ass,” Watson said. “The University of Ottawa Asses sounds very fitting for the school.”
Watson added that his platform for the 2022 election, now that Carleton has lost Panda, is to end the Gee-Gee once and for all.
“I’m coming out of retirement to retire the Gee-Gee,” he said.
[Photo by Spencer Colby/The Charlatan]
