Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Canadians are coping with pandemic blues and the high demand for domestic pets by adopting raccoons instead of more traditional choices.
Annie Mal, a fourth-year student at the University of Ottawa who recently adopted a raccoon, said his new pet has made his life instantly better at a fraction of the cost and effort as having a pet dog.
“I named my raccoon Ricky Bobby and he’s changed my life,” he said. “He’s so fun to play with and I don’t even have to buy him food like a stupid dog!”
Mal pointed to the perks of being a raccoon parent.
“Ricky Bobby goes in and out of the house as he pleases. A lot of my friends who have dogs tell me they have to take them out for walks every day. I just don’t have to worry about that with my raccoon,” Mal said.
Animal welfare and public health organizations have released statements expressing disapproval.
Doggle Ganger, a spokesperson for the Ottawa Humane Society, said these new findings are “shocking, appalling and downright dangerous.”
People who adopt raccoons “are putting themselves and the animals at risk,” she said. “Keeping a raccoon indoors and isolated from others of its species will cause it to become stressed and may damage the house seeking food or a way out.”
A raccoon owner, Ganger said, is depriving their pets of “going home at night to his raccoon wife and kids.”
When asked for a comment on the potential hazards of adopting a wild raccoon, The Ottawa Hospital initially refused to comment. However, the hospital responded via email following numerous cases of injured patients “who somehow thought it was a good idea to bring their rabid raccoons to the hospital with them.”
Ganger added that despite the high demand for domestic pets, people should not resort to adopting wild animals such as raccoons, as it can be harmful to both humans and animals.
However, some experts disagree with the criticism.
Sam Pawdy, a self-proclaimed “animal whisperer” and “mind-guru,” said regularly interacting with raccoons can reveal a “hidden middle side of the brain necessary for reaching enlightenment.”
Pawdy worries that the federal government may ban raccoon ownership.
Moving forward, he would like to see more support for raccoon rights.
“It’s a pattern I’ve seen developing all throughout this panzerotti,” Pawdy said. “First, they put us into lockdown, next they take away our raccoons.”
“Animal owners all across Ottawa should take action to protect these furry friends,” he added.
Featured image by Spencer Colby.
