Ah, second semester. Fresh starts and clear minds—going strong.
Or maybe not.
You may be amongst those who thought the squabble you had before the break would be resolved after the time apart. Perhaps you came back to a harsher reality.
The interesting part is, no one really wins. The grudge-holder will continue to process anger and feelings of vengeance that drag them down while the offender may also feel pain, especially if their apologies are ignored. There are of course also times where the offender denies guilt, further injuring the grudge-holder.
So what comes with these feelings? Are there times where it truly is better not to forgive? And really, is it even worth it?
According to a recent nationwide poll, 94 per cent of us agree forgiveness is important. Yet, when it comes down to doing it, it’s so damn difficult.
There are two types of forgiveness. Decisional forgiveness refers to how you act towards the person with whom you are upset. It is to act without revenge and to stop seeking an apology. By engaging in this form of forgiveness you are consciously choosing to act positively toward your offender. You move forward even if your heart still stings. However, to say you are moving forward and actually doing it are not the same.
Emotional forgiveness is allowing positive emotions to overshadow the negative ones. This way you are letting go of the anger and resentment you feel towards your offender. You don’t always go back to being BFFs, but you lift the weight off your own shoulders. You understand the other person’s perspective even if you do not agree.
Of course, it is quite simple to understand that harbouring unforgiveness is bad, yet pride forces us to dwell in our pain and thus inflict further harm onto ourselves.
Holding onto grudges can affect:
Heart health: Holding onto resentment can lead to higher blood pressure and heart rate, increasing the risks of heart disease down the road.
Bitterness hurts your bodily systems: Feelings and memories of injustice done onto you can cause depression, anxiety and rage. These can take a toll on your metabolism, immune system, and organ function in a chain reaction that only stops when the root problem does.
Stress: We’re all familiar with this feeling. Google the side effects, it’s cray.
Your relationships: Of course a grudge will hurt the relationship you have with the alleged offender. Being around negative energy is no fun for your other friends who either have to hang out with both of you, or hear about your grudge.
So can we all be friends and forgive?
There are always exceptions. Choosing not to forgive might be appropriate in rare occasions. I’m talking serious crimes here, not boyfriend stealing and washroom hogging. It can only be effective when you’ve had time to reflect on your own feelings—truly and fully. This includes realizing why they exist and then viewing the situation from the offender’s perspective. If you cannot do this, you cannot move forward without forgiveness. It is if you can truly understand both sides that you may decide that not forgiving is better.
We act out of revenge when we have been put into a position of weakness that we are not comfortable being in. By revenging, we are making the mistake of thinking our actions will be rewarded by power. Although we may feel powerful afterwards, the conflict will only worsen.
So is it really worth it?
I’m starting to think it’s not. And like . . . heart disease and stuff.
