Disclaimer: This article is published under the Charlatan’s satire section, the Partisan. All quotes and names have been fabricated.
Climate change-induced depression reported in environmental science students at Carleton University has been completely cured following the replacement of campus therapy dogs with local groundhogs.
At about 6:45 a.m. on May 3, authorities were seen removing all therapy dogs from the Carleton Technology and Training Centre in cages and using high-powered vacuum cleaners to extract groundhogs from nearby burrows.
An environmental science student, who has asked to be kept anonymous for fear of expulsion for illegally owning multiple groundhogs, said all his depression symptoms “miraculously disappeared” following his exposure to the furry creatures at his most recent therapy sessions.
“I feel so much better after getting to play with those chunky groundhogs for my entire two-hour session,” he said.
Registered psychologist Elizabeth Hogsback, who is a member of the Health and Counselling team and was born on Groundhog Day, was just as surprised by the results as she was by her new little furry colleagues.
“I guess the science was incorrect all along—well-trained therapy dogs have nothing on these adorable land beavers and we’re stupid and wrong for not realizing that sooner,” Hogsback said.
“That being said, I entered my office Wednesday to the sounds of gnawing and glass breaking,” she added. “I turned on the lights to see that several groundhogs had taken up residence there and enjoyed my goldfish for breakfast.”
Featured photo by Nisita Ratnasari
