Welcome to the first edition of Dirty Talk! We were so happy to see so many questions submitted to our anonymous Google Form—but feel free to send over some new ones if you have any more questions to ask us.
We hear so much about virginity: particularly on the subjects of being too old to still have it or too young to have it taken away. But what even qualifies as virginity? Its definition is not only heteronormative but also extremely dated, stemming from misogynist ideology. People were, and still are, trapped by this black or white concept of virginity.
The ancient definition of virginity, as stated in Jean-Jacques Amy’s Certificates of virginity and reconstruction of the hymen, is “the absence of any prior sexual intercourse with penetration of the vagina that caused an identifiable lesion of the hymen.”
The author explains that religious communities placed a high value on a woman’s premarital sexual status and determined her experience according to whether or not her hymen had been left untouched. If blood was left on the bed sheets after penetration on her wedding night, she was no longer a virgin. This was heavily emphasized, as “patriarchal societies aim to control the sexuality of women in order to regulate lines of descent and transfer.”
This results in an unfair view of sex for men, as well. In contrast, men are expected to enjoy being sexually promiscuous. They are celebrated for losing their virginity early (specifically through vaginal sex, because anal intercourse is often not acknowledged as a legitimate form of sex) and ostracized if they wait too long.
There’s always been many, many forms of sex, and no single definition can accurately determine what constitutes “losing it.” We put so much pressure on ourselves and others to have sex when virginity has zero tangible significance, so why do we do it?
We received a few questions on the topic, and in answering them, we want to show you that while “virginity” shouldn’t be something that defines you (or an actual thing in the first place), experiencing sex is still fun on your own terms.
Q: “How to lose your virginity as a heterosexual cisgender man?”
Annie: Let me start off by saying, I have little to no experience with men. However, I am a woman who knows women quite well.
Maya: I actually have experience with them, and while they are quite an interesting species, it’s been fun!
Annie: I would say that what I have noticed from my own experience (and stories I’ve heard) is that the best thing you can do is be completely honest with your intentions from the beginning. If you’re doing the dating app thing—which most of us are—I would recommend telling the truth when you get asked the dreaded “what are you looking for?” question. This avoids a lot of confusion and possible hurt for all parties involved. If you’re looking for a relationship, great! If you’re looking to just hook up, also great! But the other person needs to know that.
Maya: Make sure you stay safe when you’re on the hunt! Stranger danger is real, but you should already know that. Plus, tossing in the current pandemic puts more health risks into the mix, besides good ol’ STDs.
Annie: It’s the responsibility of all parties involved to talk about STD protection and birth control. If you’re not mature enough to talk about these concerns, you definitely shouldn’t be having sex. Suck it up, and wrap it up (pun intended).
Maya: As for actually getting someone to sleep with you—the online dating world is a gift in terms of the plethora of people who are looking for the same thing and are willing to give it to you straight. But when you put yourself out there and you’re looking to hook up, there’s still a certain amount of effort you need to put into portraying your best self. Choosing photos you’ve felt most confident in and highlighting your features tends to generate that magnetic attraction to your profile.
Annie: DO NOT post a picture of yourself holding a fish—the one thing that I know about straight men is that they unfortunately love to do this: Don’t. It’s a meme among women. As for striking up conversations with potential hookups, the three best tips I can give are to be authentic, unique and respectful. It’s important to stand out from the crowd, so try either mentioning something interesting from their profile or cracking a joke—usually “Hey, how are you?” doesn’t quite cut it. Even if you’re only looking for sex, please remember that mutual respect and effort is crucial for attraction.
Maya: This question unfortunately also highlights a facet of masculinity that shames men for not having sex with enough people or at all. Sure, sex is great, but we want to emphasize that it isn’t an essential aspect of being manly or cool enough to be ‘one of the boys.’ No matter who you are, the meaning of sex should be personal to the individual—especially when looking at the double standard of women being shamed for sex and men being celebrated for it—and not be weighed on by anyone else.
Q: “Is it weird to be a first year and still be a virgin?? Like I am a straight girl and my [Rice Purity Test] score is 91. It’s kinda embarrassing, any tips on how to get laid?”
Annie: For the first part of your question, absolutely not. There’s no right or wrong time to start having sex, and the fact that you haven’t yet is nothing to be ashamed of. You are valid, and it should not be embarrassing.
Maya: This brings me back to how stupid the idea of virginity is and how there’s no reason to go on this mission to “lose it.” There are so many types of exciting sex out there, virginity can’t be minimized into this bland image of dick-inside-vagina. Foreplay can be considered sex too! And is the main show anyway—the best part for people with a clit.
Annie: The classic definition of virginity isn’t a cramped box. If that were the case, it would undermine the concept of queer sex, and sexual pleasure entirely, which is LAME.
Maya: If you really want to have sex out of your own curiosity, and not because you feel like you have to, go for it. Your confident self is your sexiest self, and by letting your guard down without any expectations for how sex should be or how you want it to feel, when the time comes, you’ll realize those stressful buildups were for nothing. Sex shouldn’t be a medal for validation, it’s just another part of life.
Annie: As I mentioned in the previous question, just make your intentions clear. If you are just looking for sex, say so, but if you are looking for something more, express that to your matches (if you decide to go the online-dating route). It’s important to manage expectations so things don’t get messy.
Maya: While it’s true that spontaneous, in-the-moment sex is more magical than a pre-planned dick appointment, COVID-19 is a cockblock and dating apps are really the only option. Or maybe sleeping with a roommate (which will undoubtedly get messy AF—not recommended). Either get someone from your germ circle or fuck an online date with a mask on (just kidding on the last one, keep that six-foot distance, please), because that’s all we’ve got for now. Take the proper precautions—pee once you’ve finished, stay safe from the classic sex risks, and make sure to wash your hands before and after.
Annie: Lastly, just to add about the Rice Purity Test you mentioned in your question, let me just say that it is bullshit. Your self worth should not be tied to any kind of number, especially one that is about sexual experience. A high score does not mean that you are ‘pure,’ just as a low score does not mean you are ‘impure.’ While I understand that this test is just for fun, please take the results with a grain of salt, and not as some sort of challenge or bucket list.
Yours truly,
Maya and Annie
Featured graphic by Etta Gerrits.
