TRIGGER WARNING: Body image, disordered eating.
There’s no escape from noticing our own ‘imperfections.’ In a society which has constructed a very specific beauty ideal and uses its constant, criticizing eye to ostracize those who don’t fit the mold, it’s difficult to be entirely secure in your appearance.
The airbrush phenomenon that social media showcases unsurprisingly causes self-confidence to plummet. However, insecurity doesn’t just end at the physical flaws dictated by society, but can also go past what is skin deep.
No one ever wants to feel like they aren’t enough for their person. It’s almost always in your head, while your partner sees you as they always have: wonderful, valuable, and yes, sexy. The thought gets lodged in your psyche and puts a block between you and your partner. After a while, this can gradually cause the relationship to fizzle out.
So let’s get into it and tackle your intimacy questions, as well as how to handle insecurities. If you have more questions, feel free to send them our way using our anonymous Google form, and for more Dirty Talk content, check us out on Instagram.
Q: I have so many insecurities that prevent me from being intimate, even if I really want to be. How can I overcome this fear?
Annie: First, I just want to say that what you are feeling is valid and I know many people who have struggled with the same thing—including myself. It’s so easy to compare yourself to celebrities, models, and other influencers online. When you do that, your view of reality is warped, and it is hard to recognize anything other than your flaws.
If your insecurities are of the physical variety, the biggest advice that I could give is to look at the situation from an outsider’s perspective. When someone is interested in being intimate with you, likely they are also physically attracted to you.
In my experience, when someone is attracted to you, they usually do not notice any insecurities that may be glaringly obvious to you. Instead, they focus on the qualities that drew them to you in the first place. You need to look at yourself the way they look at you—I recognize that it is easier said than done. Looking at yourself in a different light may help you realize the hot piece of ass that you are.
If your insecurities are more mental—whether it is a fear of getting close to someone or a lack of experience that is getting in your way—the most important thing is communication.
You need to tell the person that you could potentially sleep with about whatever is holding you back. Make it clear that you do want to be with them in that way, but certain insecurities are making it difficult for you to do. This allows your partner to address your concerns and possibly relieve a lot of your stress. Perhaps they feel the same insecurity or there is something they could do to make you feel more comfortable.
At the end of the day, a big part of being intimate with another person is exposing your flaws and making yourself vulnerable. Yet, this can be really scary. In order to overcome your fears, I think it is crucial to not only find someone you trust but someone that is willing to be patient and kind.
Maya: Insecurity stems from simply living life. Unfortunate as it is to say, insecurity is inevitable when you consider the society we live in. The people who come into our lives that we rather had not, paired with the standards set by faceless influences slowly instill a foundation of insecurity that affects us all differently—and our ways of dealing with that insecurity are different, too.
When sex comes into play, it might be extremely difficult to push aside inner insecurities for a moment you are about to share with someone else. Being intimate means being vulnerable from all sides. You’re revealing yourself in a way that stays between you and this other person.
You might be thinking, “Well, fuck”—but you have to remember that this person isn’t you and has their own thoughts and judgments based on how they went through life, meaning what you are insecure about in yourself, they might not even notice. And although this may be easy to forget, remember that this other person also has their personal insecurities, as we all do.
Sometimes knowing that you’re not the only one dealing with insecurities allows you to open up more about them, including the partner you want to be vulnerable with. Opening up a conversation during which both of you honestly express your worries can make you realize how much you have in common and lessen any fears you may have about sex.
If you’re asking this question as someone who isn’t in a relationship or looking to have sex particularly soon, but has doubts about eventually becoming comfortable within themselves, I would say showing some love to your body is the best place to start. Enjoy some solo self-love, starting off slowly by writing down what makes you feel good or beautiful. Showing appreciation of the fact that you are living and breathing could help you feel more comfortable in your own skin.
Finally—and I think you saw where this was going when I said “enjoy self-love”— masturbating and getting used to touching yourself can help you become more excited about the idea of someone else pleasuring you. Learn how your body works physically down there and experiment with whatever you feel most comfortable starting off with. Find out what makes you feel good and what doesn’t. Take your time and don’t put any pressure on when you need to be ready to become intimate with someone.
Q: My partner is gaining weight and it’s affecting their self-esteem and our sex life. I love my partner regardless of their looks, but I’m worried they aren’t making healthy decisions for themselves. How can I help my partner make healthy decisions and boost their self-esteem? How should I bring up the topic of unhealthy weight gain?
Maya: It’s important to acknowledge first and foremost that not all forms of weight gain are necessarily unhealthy—sometimes the body just changes with age, and that’s totally okay! However, if you’ve noticed some particularly unhealthy behaviour on your partner’s behalf—especially if you know them well enough to spot these differences—then there truly could be a problem.
Overeating, as might be the case here, can come from a place that we may not realize at first. Food is comforting and fulfilling. When things aren’t going great, be it on the inside or out, food can temporarily take the focus away from any issues surrounding us, and becomes an emotional dependency.
Personally, I’m no stranger to emotional eating and I feel like it may be present for many of us. If this is the case for your partner, helping them recognize this pattern can be the first step towards creating a more balanced lifestyle. Have you recently noticed a change in their eating habits, and this is why you bring up this question—thinking this might be the reason they are gaining weight? Maybe your partner has recently experienced something that has drastically and negatively affected them, but hasn’t shared it.
Most issues concerning one or both people in a relationship go back to the lack of communication—so I think this is KEY for helping with this question! Showing up for your partner in times they might not even know how much they need it can lead them to open up and be frank about their worries (which might be about that very same thing you’re worried about). Check in at times when you get some time alone; that trust will build over time, as you each share what you’re thinking about, and will ultimately bring you together.
Their lack of self-esteem can be what has first led them to gain weight, and as a result, worsens their self-esteem. Perhaps this has turned into a cycle. It’s lovely to hear the affirmation that you love your partner beyond their looks, but for some it’s important that they hear you say what you love about them, so tell them.
Telling them how beautiful they are in detail, or what quirks about them make your heart burst, can be an unexpected jolt of love that they may have been needing to hear. It shouldn’t need to be forced and everyone has different ways of showing love, but if your partner could benefit from having their self-esteem lifted, it can be a delight for both of you.
As long as you’re showing your partner that your concern is coming from your love for them and desire for them to be at their happiest, then you’re doing it right.
Annie: I think the issue of weight can be really tricky to navigate. As someone whose weight fluctuates regularly, I understand how it can greatly affect self-esteem. I think it’s really important to let them know that you still find them attractive at their current weight and that you still want to be intimate. Everybody wants to feel sexy. That being said, I think you also need to address the important issue—your partner has gained an unhealthy amount of weight.
I think the crucial thing here is that you need to word it carefully. Don’t criticize—use a voice of concern. Tell your partner that they haven’t seemed like themselves lately, and that you have noticed the negative effects of this in the bedroom. If they do not bring up their weight themselves, do not beat around the bush but avoid being harsh. Let your partner know that you are willing to help them through this and that you love them no matter what.
I think another way to strengthen your relationship is to try building healthy habits together. Perhaps try cooking a healthy meal together, doing an outdoor activity or maybe some hot yoga (which may lead to some steamy time). Making these healthy choices yourself will make your partner feel more supported and more confident, which are crucial to a healthy sex life.
Yours Truly,
Maya and Annie
Featured graphic by Eva Laberge.
